The Counselor

Horror Headlines: Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

Truth be told I didn't even know they had electricity in Chile but apparently in between mass producing baby back ribs they managed to put out a horror movie titled "Hidden In the Woods". Well hold your poppers kids because Jennifer Blanc and Michael Biehn have already decided to remake the film for your fine English ears. The film focuses on two sisters who are terrorized by their father after they try to report him to the police for dealing drugs and in general being a prick. Those were all Chili's references if you didn't get it.

I've never seen a Kirk Wong movie before but I have seen at least two of his movies available for renting on netflix so I assume he's pretty famous. Well apparently Kirky boy (I call him Kirky boy) has decided to come out of retirement (I had no idea he was retired) to direct a new film simply titled "Six". Not to be confused with "Leonard Part 6" the film follows a doctor who fuses animals and humans together. Wait, that does sound a lot like "Leonard Part 6" doesn't it? Confuse away.

Is it racist that I just assumed that John Leguizamo has already been cast as a drug dealer in Ridley Scott's "The Counselor"? I mean it might be. But he has now so maybe that makes it not racist. I don't know. Let's just go with "no" and talk about how great I look today.

It's confession time here at BGH, folks. Truth be told I tell you about a lot of Blu-Ray releases and pretend to be excited but in reality have no real intentions of buying them. But this one folks I promise you will end up on my book case. Well it's more of a large dresser type thing. It sounds weird but it really completes the room. It's Ikea but surprisingly sturdy. Oh right the movie, it's "They Live" and it will be available on November 16th.

In Real People News: 

You ever go to sleep at night and wake up the next day and have no idea where you put your penis? No matter where you look it just doesn't seem to be in its usual place? No me either, but this guy in China had that happen.

I'll be honest I walk around the fine city of NYC every day and become a giant disgusting mess of sweat and filth. But I've never, ever, thought that washing my man bits in a fountain was a good idea. No one wants to see that. Turns out you can go to jail for it also.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday, February 22nd, 2011

To help my daughter sleep we have this stuffed animal with a small radio in the back that plays the sounds of rain falling or a river flowing for 45 minutes when you push a button. This morning at 5am somehow she rolled over in her sleep in pushed the button so I was awoken to the sound of running water blasting in our bedroom over the baby monitor. I've never believed in ghosts but for a split second this morning I honestly thought our house was haunted.

Because he isn't busy enough Guillermo del Toro has decided to take on the producer role for a new CG animated flick titled "Day Of the Dead". Jorge R. Gutierrez will direct the love story in the vein of "Romeo and Juliet" set against a Mexican “Day of the Dead” backdrop. That "Haunted Mansion" flick is still happening, right? I've been excited about that for over a year now and I'm starting to get a little pissy.

I have no idea what this means but I bet Casey is going to be as giddy as a school girl about it. Hammer Films has decided to open their script archive to the public. So I guess that means we can go there and just start reading stuff? I haven't watched a lot of their movies but from what I can gather the best part of them is the girls with all their parts hanging out so I'm not really sure how reading is going to make me happy.

Set your hunk-o-meter to stun folks because it's been confirmed that Michael Fassbender will in fact star in Ridley Scott 's next film which is titled "The Counselor". The movie is about a big time lawyer who gets mixed up with the drug selling business... and then aliens attack everyone. That last part isn't true but the thing sounds kind of boring right now so I hope they're open to suggestions.

If you kids can remember all the way back to our "Mother's Day" remake episode then you know the gang was all pretty positive on the film. I think. Honestly I can't remember back that far but let's just go with it. The point is the Darren Lynn Bousman film finally has a release date of May 8th for DVD and Blu-Ray and will also be getting a limited theater run starting May 4th. May the 4th be with you! I wonder if they thought of that when the picked the date. Man I hope so. I love that crap.

In Real People News: 

Here's a fun story about a guy who broke into a house and started trying on clothes because he said a small Asian boy invited him. The Asian boy turned out to be a bunch of flowers but he apologized so all is forgiven. Just kidding he's in jail.

A man in Quebec is in hot water after he pulled a buddy of his down the street on a couch tied to his car. The kids call it "couch surfing" I guess and apparently his friend wiped out head first into an oncoming car. I don't know what the French word is for cowabunga.

Horror Headlines: Monday, February 13th, 2012

Hey did you watch The Grammy's last night? I didn't But I did take time to view some of the red carpet fashions and if you're wondering these are my scores. B+, C, D-, B-, C, C, F, and F. Yeah I know, I hate Adele too. Especially after reading her tour rider which stated "North American beer is not acceptable". Apparently she only accepts the "best quality European lager beers" like Stella and Peroni to wash her bite size Twix bars down her giant gullet. More for me, Adele! More for me!

Just to confirm a discussion we never had, Ridley Scott has been confirmed to be taking the directing role for "The Counselor". Written by Cormac McCarthy, the film follows a respected lawyer who tries his hand at the drug game... with sexy results. Wait no, terrible, not sexy. Not sexy at all.

If you're looking for more "The Evil Dead" casting news then this is going to be the best Monday of your life. Looks like Lou Taylor Pucci, who I don't know but only hate 1/3 of his name, is in talks to join the reboot. Lou would play a young smarty pants who's curiosity gets the gang into trouble. Whatever the hell that means. Pucci is the part of the name I hate in case you're wondering.

Looks like Universal is circling first time director Gary Shore to take on their new film "Dracula Year Zero". Russell Crowe is in talks to star in the film that tells the original story of Vlad the Impaler and how he eventually was turned into the character that Bram Stoker based is classic character on. Not really fair to pick a first time director. How am I suppose to make stupid comments about a guy I don't know? I bet he wears stupid hats.

Remember 2009's "Legion" about an Angel who comes down from the heavens to save the world? Well Syfy is working on a show based on the film. Cause ya know, everyone loved it. Alright I loved it. I can't even be sarcastic about how much I love it. An old lady swears a lot. How can you not love that?

In Real People News: 

I know I write that these stories make me laugh a lot but this one really did make me laugh out loud. A Kentucky mother punched her 10 year old son in the face during an anger management session. Try to read that without chuckling. It's impossible.

This story about a 40 year old in Ohio who tossed his kid into a dryer as punishment isn't as funny though. Unless you're a real sicko. Then feel free to laugh away in hell.

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