Horror Headlines: Friday August 21st, 2009
If there's one thing I can always promise you, it's not to BS you. Your time is valuable and really, you should be doing something more productive with your work time than screwing around on horror websites. That being said, there is no horror news today. Well, at least nothing worth noting. I mean, do you really care that Karl Urban has been cast in something called “Priest”? I spent all morning trying to find a “Halloween 2” review from last night's sneaks—all I can find a few tweets that are evenly divided and all uneducated...
Oh, wait...here's something:
Eli Roth says that his slasher parody/homage “Thanksgiving” is still a “very real possibility” . YAWN, WANK. Do we, really as a collective of genre fans, really even care about announcements like this anymore? Where's “Trailer Park”, Eli? How's “Cell” coming along?? Here's my new rule: I refuse to get excited about anything, ever, until I see a trailer or, at the very least, a poster with a hard 'n' fast date.
You want some real news? How about that the novelization of the movie “Black Devil Doll” is out! Why is this so important? Because I wrote the introduction! Is this probably the most important book of our generation, if any generation? I would have to go out on a limb and say YES. Yes, it is. So don't be a racist and order a copy now! Order two!
Porn studios have been accused of violating workplace safety, according to OSHA. Yes, OSHA regulates porn—who knew! I'd like to see the workplace safety manual for that. Even better, it would be hilarious if it got mixed up with, say, a fast food joint's manual—extra “secret sauce” for me! (And by sauce, I mean jism.)
Mexico, in a bold move, has decriminalized marijuana. When I asked my pot-smoking neighbor Chad “Kind Bud” Budderson for comment, he said: “Hey bro...hold on, let me turn down the Dave Matthews Band...OK. So Mexico says it's cool to carry the sticky-icky? Bro, they are so ahead of us in, like, laws and stuff. Some lawyers need to take make some laws so we can get that shit over here, dude, or I'm moving to Cancun, brah! Sun up, wake 'n' bake...um, what was I talkin' about?”
In 1959, President Eisenhower proclaims Hawaii the 50th state in the Union. Only two years later, our current President, Barack Obama, would be born in Kenya. YEAH I WENT THERE.