robots

So there’s a “RoboCop” remake. That’s something I have to tell my unborn children as well as my unknown bastards. It’s also about to clear 150 million on a 100 million dollar budget. Though only 50 of them bones is domestic it’s still not out of the realm of possibility I’ll have to tell those tiny bearded boys and girls there’s a “Robocop 2” too. (As in ‘also’, not 2x2 which would be weird but not impossible.

Historically, the onset of the summer movie season means lean times for horror fans. While there is plenty of enjoyment to be dragged out of the big budget comic and light sci-fi films that pepper the summer blockbuster landscape, there’s a general lack of quality films for genre fans to sink their teeth into. Guillermo Del Toro has thrown us excitable devotees a bone this summer in the form of “Pacific Rim,” a Kaiju-tastic summer blockbuster that hits the spot not in spite of its cliches, but because of them.

Ridley Scott, one of the most overrated directors of all time—yeah, I said it—has signed on to direct the prequel to “Alien”. The original movie made him famous and allowed him to direct such “classics” as “Legend” and “White Squall”. Even though writer Jon Spaihts is currently writing the screenplay, I've used my crystal ball, nicknamed “common sense”, and read the screenplay already: spaceship encounters the alien, alien gets into the ducts, the lights go out, the spaceship's inhabitants are offed one by one and a lone woman survivor takes him down. There, I saved you $10, two hours and countless wasted high hopes.

HBO's “True Blood”, or, as it really should be called, “Twilight for Adults”, has been renewed for a third season. That's at least six more weeks of shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies for the ladies!!!

Geez, it's been a while since we've heard anything from director Uwe Boll, hasn't it? Boll, one of the most underrated directors of all time, and better than Ridley Scott—yeah, I said it—has a new film in the works called “Rampage”, that looks like a deadly serious version of “Postal”, and we all know how much I loved “Postal”. Still, with Boll doing original material, doesn't it make you wistful for the good ol' days when he was just doing one video game adaptation after another? If there was ever a director to make a movie called “Minesweeper”, it would have been him.

I’m all for technological advances. The sooner I can get a Rosie the robot to clean my house the better. But the Pentagon has gone too far this time. They’ve commissioned a Maryland based technology group to create a steam powered robot that can fuel itself by eating up different organic material. Grass, wood, oil and even human bodies are all on the menu. That’s right folks, corpse eating robots.

When I was in college I had a roommate who would take great joy in frightening the crap out of me. He would hide somewhere in our apartment then jump out screaming which would make me almost wet myself. The worst part was he wouldn’t just do this as soon as I got home from class, he would wait for me to find him. Sometimes he would be in my closet for a half hour before I opened the door and found him. Needless to say I spent a large chunk of my time in college petrified that someone was watching me.

I never fully understood the concept of the "Uncanny Valley" until yesterday, when I saw this video of a Japanese "robot baby". It doesn't have lifelike skin, but when it stands up using its "hydraulic powered muscles", I threw my hand over my mouth in disgust. I'm incredibly fascinated by robots and would love to own one some day, but I think there will be a lot of chills had before I get to the point where I can actually mentally handle it.