Horror Headlines: Friday July 31st, 2009
Before I woke up to write this, I was having a dream that Prince and I were on the run from Leather face. Even more disturbing, I woke up with a boner. What do you think that means?
Ridley Scott, one of the most overrated directors of all time—yeah, I said it—has signed on to direct the prequel to “Alien”. The original movie made him famous and allowed him to direct such “classics” as “Legend” and “White Squall”. Even though writer Jon Spaihts is currently writing the screenplay, I've used my crystal ball, nicknamed “common sense”, and read the screenplay already: spaceship encounters the alien, alien gets into the ducts, the lights go out, the spaceship's inhabitants are offed one by one and a lone woman survivor takes him down. There, I saved you $10, two hours and countless wasted high hopes.
HBO's “True Blood”, or, as it really should be called, “Twilight for Adults”, has been renewed for a third season. That's at least six more weeks of shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies for the ladies!!!
Geez, it's been a while since we've heard anything from director Uwe Boll, hasn't it? Boll, one of the most underrated directors of all time, and better than Ridley Scott—yeah, I said it—has a new film in the works called “Rampage”, that looks like a deadly serious version of “Postal”, and we all know how much I loved “Postal”. Still, with Boll doing original material, doesn't it make you wistful for the good ol' days when he was just doing one video game adaptation after another? If there was ever a director to make a movie called “Minesweeper”, it would have been him.
The robots have started their war against man, as witnessed in Sweden. The robot, used to lift heavy rocks, was inexplicably dressed as Yul Brenner in a cowboy outfit. That just seems like they are asking for trouble, if you ask me.
Google engineering “genius” Sasha Blair-Goldensohn was struck in the head by a rotting tree branch while strolling in Central Park, sending him into a coma. I looked up the term “dumb luck” on Google, and was immediately presented with a picture of two dragons screwing a muscle car. So thanks for all your work, Sasha!
According to a study by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, when you buy organic food, all you're doing is paying a higher price for the phrase “organic” . What the study failed to mention is that they're also paying for that smug sense of self-satisfaction as they are loading their eco-bags into their Prius. This, combined with the news that kombucha tea not only has no proven effects, but can also cause lead poisoning, and we'll have the Newell brothers back into women anyday now. Keep hope alive!
Thanks for joining me for this week's Fowler Friday! Until next week, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!!!
1969: The San Francisco Chronicle, the Examiner, and the Vallejo Times-Herald receive nearly identical letters from the Zodiac Killer. Specific details are given about recent murder scenes, along with the demand that a "cipher" be printed on on the front page of the papers.