WTF?!

"Beyond the Black Rainbow" is a film that defies criticism. It's mercurial, only threatening on occasion to amass into something solid, something that can be quantified and critiqued. In fact, I'd be inclined to call it nonsense, if it weren't for the fact that it's so damn beautiful.

Described as a "Reagan-era fever dream inspired by hazy childhood memories of midnight movies and Saturday morning cartoons", "Beyond the Black Rainbow" centers on The Arboria institute, where creepy Dr. Nyle keeps a young girl captive in an all white room, cut off from the rest of the world.

Worst horror film of the year? Find out...

I've always looked at Paul W.S. Anderson as a bit of an idiot-savant, a child using filmmaking tools that he didn't quite understand, every once in a while striking on something good accidentally. This was especially true of the last "Resident Evil" film, "Afterlife", the first he'd directed since the original.

We debate who the sexiest person in this film is, and you might be surprised by the answer (okay, maybe not).

It's a movie about wrestling and monsters, what could go wrong? Turns out, plenty...

So they took "Epic Beard Man" (google it, trust me) and turned it into a movie with Danny Trejo. Except now he's more of an all around do-gooder as opposed to an unhinged, possibly racist Santa impersonator that can throw a haymaker like nobody's business. Just like Hollywood, always dumbing it down for the masses...

One time I had to go on a religious retreat in high school, and listen to a Priest give a talk about how he's an alcoholic who used to steal wine from communion... then he started talking about masturbation and how it's wrong. I don't remember what the point is but "Heretic" is a movie with a priest who may or may not have done some bad stuff... much like the priest from my story. There it is.

Things are about to get... awkward...

If it weren't already taken by a decidedly less impressive film, then "The Cabin in the Woods" could very well have been named "The Last Horror Movie". It would very neatly sum up what this flick seems to be aiming to accomplish.