I'm like a little school girl for the movie "Priest" and the new trailer has got me all in a tizzy. I'm flustered, light headed and I think I may of started menstruating. Wait there's vampires in it? Oh man I'm going home pregnant!
The problem with being awful with names is that every time you read a headline about some guy's next film you get kind of excited. So when I read that David Ellis' next flick is going to be "The Briar Lake Murders" I got interested. Then I found out David Ellis is the guy who directed "Snakes on a Plane" and I realized this news is useless. So don't bother reading it.
Here's the new trailer for Hammer Film's "The Resident". What did I learn? Well Christopher Lee is still alive so that's nice. What was confirmed? Hilary Swank is in fact a man, which is not very nice. It's not very nice at all is it.
Just days after Joe Johnston admitted that "The Wolfman" kind of sucked there is now talk that the film could be up for an Oscar. Now before you go renting a tux I should point out that it's for best makeup which to be fair "The Time Machine" remake was nominated four years ago and only one person in the world liked that. If you promise not to keep it I'll let you borrow the DVD.
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Holy mother of God why did no one get this on camera? An Italian man who was shot in the head got the bullet out the manliest way possible, he sneezed it out. I wonder if it made a bang when it came out, man I hope so.
Now I don't want to say I'm for crime and hurting people but if it's happening to a guy who's dressing up like a super hero and trying to fight bad guys, well then it's kind of funny. Phoenix Jones is just such a guy who thought he would be the next Superman but instead was held up at gunpoint and had his nose broken. See isn't that funny?
Disagreeing over how to clear the snow on their adjoining properties, these two elderly Swedish men proceeded to beat each other with snow shovels until somebody managed to split them up. Bork bork bork.
As expected Sunday night's "The Walking Dead" season finale went balls out with the rating, pulling about 8.1 million viewers between the 10 pm and 1 am showings. That's up 9% from last week's show and the series had the highest average for a cable show since 1993. That's a lot of math and to be honest the most amazing part is that I somewhat understand it.
It's no surprise that the producers of "American Psycho: The Musical" are promising tons of gore. Well maybe it's a little surprise since it's going to be on Broadway but that's nowhere near as surprising as the fact that Tom Cruise might be making a small cameo in the show. I know this isn't sarcasm but somehow I still feel like I'm being a wise ass here.
Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman, I've had dreams that start with those two names. Nightmares, I meant nightmares... I swear! Anyway there's a bunch of new interviews with the two up on the tubes with them talking about how exciting their new flick "Season of the Witch" is. Get hot and bothered!
Hammer's next film titled "The Resident" will apparently not be released in theaters but instead see a DVD/Blu-Ray release on March 29th, 2011. My guess for the change in plans is that putting both Hilary Swank and Jeffrey Dean Morgan on the screen together would cause theaters to burst into flames from all the heat. Now it'll just be your home.
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Butcher vs. Boar 2010 took place recently at a shop in Germany when a wild hog ripped apart a butcher shop for close to an hour. Who won? Well one of the gladiators is now being sold as pork chops. You try to guess which one.
Douglas Allen Smith Jr. of Eugene Oregon has officially changed his name to Captain Awesome. That's really all I can say about that.
Good news kids! I think at least. "The Howling: Reborn" has been picked up by Anchor Bay for all English speaking territories. So congrats America and Britain. See you in hell, France.
Here's another clip from "Skyline" which hits theaters this Friday. It features a giant robot shooting laser beams out of its eyes and destroying all of the west coast. No I'm kidding, it apparently it has some spoilers in it so I didn't watch. Man wouldn't it be crazy if I was right?
Hammer Film's "The Resident", starring America's most handsome sweetheart Hilary Swank will finally see the light of day now that Image Entertainment has picked up the US distribution rights. Swank plays a you doctor who lives in a Brooklyn apartment that might be haunted. I'll star as the guy in the audience who keeps leaning over and asking his wife why people like Hilary Swank so much.
A gaggle of new pics from "Paul" starting Nick Frost and Simon Pegg have popped up online and I just threw up with excitement. Seriously, it's all over the laptop, it's awful and I think I may have ruined the thing. If this is my last news update ever I want you to all know I love you.
In Real People News:
A couple in Oregon woke up Monday night to find a naked man in their closet. Seriously I had a roommate in college who use to pull this shit for about a month straight. Minus the whole nude thing but still it was frightening as hell, I can't imagine what it would have been like if his manhood was flopping around when he jumped out.
1972 – Southern Airways Flight 49 from Birmingham, Alabama is hijacked and, at one point, is threatened with crashing into the nuclear installation at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory. After two days, the plane lands in Havana, Cuba, where the hijackers are jailed by Fidel Castro.