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Horror Headlines: Monday February 28th, 2011

"Rubber" has been kicking around for a while now and most recently it's gotten a dandy little TV spot. If you haven't heard about the film already all you need to know is that it's about a killer tire. Short and simple I know but I wanted to leave you enough time to ponder where the hell a TV spot for this movie would ever run.

Put it in the books kids, August 3rd, 2012 will be the day that the "Total Recall" reboot will hit theaters. Len Wiseman, who directed the "Underwold" flicks will take the lead and Mr. Colin Farrell will take the lead role. No word yet on who will be cast in the role of the 3 boobed hooker but god I can't wait to find out.

A gang load of new stills from "Paranormal Activity: Tokyo Night" have hit the tubes and from the looks of things this may not be just a bunch of security camera shots. So that might be good right? Maybe it'll be awesome! I don't know, I'm trying to stay positive people.

OMG you're not down at SXSW? Gee you totally missed this hot new alt rock grind math buzzcore band last night. I'm not even going to say the name because they're so underground you wouldn't know them. There's also a trailer for a new odd looking anthology flick titled "Little Deaths" that premiered down there. You can watch it but I bet you won't get it.

In Real People News: 

Is Brooklyn in the house?! No? Why not? Oh because someone that lives in your apartment building started screwing and lit a bunch of candles for a voodoo ceremony that eventually caused a 5 alarm fire that burned down the building? Do you think when they called 911 they said "The roof! The Roof! The Roof is on fire!". Man... Brooklyn, huh?

A trendy ice cream shop in London is now offering a new flavor called "Baby Gaga" which is made with human breast milk. You've got to imagine this was some sort of dare that started with "I bet you I can get people to eat breast milk if I gussy it up enough and call it 'gourmet'".

Trailer: "Wake" Hits South by Southwest

Let this be a lesson to you fellas, if you think you can drive the entire night don't ever let your wife try to convince you otherwise. Because if you let her win that argument you'll end up at some creepy motel with all kinds of messed up crap going on around you. This is what I learned from the trailer for "Wake" which showed this past weekend at South by Southwest.

Trailer: "Monsters" Hits SXSW

Big giant river monsters should be scary when they pick up entire planes, but something about whatever's floating around in the new clip from "Monsters" just sounds adorable. You don't get to see the beast but you do hear a little cry it lets out from below the water. Honestly it sounds like something you'd feed fish in SeaWorld. Sure the flashing lights it let off might be some form of radiation but let's give the little bugger the benefit of the doubt.

Horror Headlines: Thursday March 4th, 2010

If you're planning to attend the South by Southwest (SXSW) festival this year, you should definitely check out the the so-called "First Look" screening of the Robert Rodriguez-produced, Nimrod Antal-directed action flick "Predators", a film I'm still on the proverbial fence about. Topher Grace and Adrien Brody? Really?

Speaking of Adrien Brody, talented direct Vincenzo Natali's highly-anticipated monster movie "Splice" is set to terrify audiences on June 4th. It's always nice to have a potentially nifty horror flick scheduled for a summer release.

Although I have my doubts as to whether or not this project will ever get off the ground, it would appear that Todd McFarlane is still spreading rumors that another "Spawn" film is in the works. I'm excited about the idea as much as the next nerd, but I'm not going to hold my breath. No sense setting myself up for soul-crushing disappointment.

In Real People News: 

I know I'm supposed to write something extremely witty and marginally hilarious for these articles, but the headline provided for this seemingly innocent story about a drunk driver's encounter with law enforcement officials is funny enough on its own. Trust me on this one.

Although I've seen some incredibly strange things in my lifetime, I've never accidentally stumbled across a naked woman tied to a tree. My life suddenly feels inadequate, and I am ashamed of myself. I think I need to get out more.

On this day in history: 

1991 - Rodney King is brutally assaulted by several LAPD officers, an event which is caught on amateur video.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 4th, 2010

In my humble opinion, there's nothing funnier than watching Nicholas Cage chew scenery in a fantasy picture, which may explain why I'm happy that the viral website for "Season of the Witch" is finally online. I'll gladly watch you swing swords, Mr. Cage, but I'm still waiting for an apology for "Ghost Rider".

If you're one of the lucky individuals heading to Austin, Texas for the South by Southwest Film Conference and Festival this March, you might want to check out the horror titles currently scheduled to play this year. "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil" will be there, and I'm insanely jealous.

Hey! Do you remember last week when I filled your delicious mind with information regarding a little film called "After.Life"? Well, in case you were wondering, Anchor Bay has scheduled the film for release this Spring. I'm excited, so I know you're excited. Besides, it's hard not to like a film that features both Liam Neeson and Christina Ricci. Isn't it?

Somebody told me yesterday that I should watch the new trailer for Philip Ridley's demonic horror picture "Heartless", and I must say I wasn't disappointed. Plus, it's got demons, as well as a guy who can see demons. Amazing! What will they think of next?

In Real People News: 

Guess what? If you strap your cheating husband to a chair and savagely glue his penis to his stomach, chances are you won't go to jail. What's more, you'll have a cool story to tell at family reunions and office Christmas parties. That's always a plus.

Would you like another reason to stop smoking? All right, how about exploding cigarettes with the ability to destroy up to six of your precious teeth.I'm not entirely sure, but I think this sort of thing can only happen in Indonesia.

According to Britain's MI5 intelligence service, it would appear that certain terrorist organizations are employing the use of explosive breast implants. That girl's rack is the bomb, indeed.

"Gobstopper" Trailer Assaults SXSW

I was emailed this recently and thought it was too good to pass up. It's literally, and I mean LITERALLY, one of the greatest things I have ever seen. It's a fake trailer for a film called "Gobstopper" starring Christopher Lloyd (!) Check out the description and the video below... you won't believe what you're seeing.

I would also like to thank this video for giving me my new favorite pickup line, "My BONER's got weird old candy bars!"

SXSW Trailer Roundup

The film portion of South by Southwest was last week and a few interesting horror flicks screened at Fantastic Fest at Midnight, the genre-themed festival within a festival.

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