I know I said I'd write the news again and I know I super didn't write the news yesterday but just to be clear I did write it Sunday night and then accidentally hit the back button before saving my post. So technically I did write it, just no one saw it. It was my funniest ever. A lot funnier than today's. Sorry folks.
For those of you who don't subscribe to Showtime or don't know how to illegally download TV shows off the internet like most of America you'll be excited to know that "Dexter" is finally coming to Netflix streaming on October 31st. Well to be more accurate seasons 1 through 5 will be coming to Netflix on the 31st and the rest of the seasons will hit on January 1st. So come January 2nd there will be a whole new crop of people complaining about how the show ended. Happy holidays.
I never remember what movies Neill Blomkamp has made but I do remember always thinking his name sounds like one of those insane sexual acts that no one ever really does but people seem to all know about. What a dirty dirty man. And apparently Sigourney Weaver is a dirty girl because she's signed on to his next film titled "Chappie". No word on what role she'll play but the film is about a robot with mad crazy artificial intelligence skills who gets kidnapped by a couple of gangsters. Kind of like "Short Circuit" but without all of the comedy and an Italian guy doing a terrible Indian accent.
Last week I broke the exclusive news that Clive Barker would be personally writing the script for the upcoming "Hellraiser" remake. I know, I was kind of shocked when he chose me to be the one person he told. Of course he also asked me not to tell anyone else and now we're fighting but it was kind of worth it ya know? Plus, that guy loves an Edible Arrangement so I'm pretty sure I can make it up to him pretty easily. The point I'm getting to here is that he told some other people that the film will in fact be rated R. So now I'm telling you.
Kevin Tancharoen has apparently been onboard to direct the "Mortal Kombat" reboot for about 3 years now. He's decided to leave the project though. Cause ya, it's been 3 years or something. I don't know, I lost interest in stuff after about a week. Case in point the frequency of these news posts. Just saying.
Here's a heartwarming story about a woman in China who met a sweet man online and eventually liked him so much that she arranged a sexy meet up with him, to have sexy sex that is. Only a couple of problems here though. First, she was married and second she had actually arranged to have sex with her father in law by mistake. What's worse is her husband found the emails she was sending and turned up at the hotel to break up the meeting. Oh I bet they all had a good laugh over that mix up.
Damon Lidelof is the fella who penned "Lost" and the upcoming movie "Cowboys & Aliens" has been handed more money than I'll ever see in my life to write a new Sci-Fi silm for the fine people at Disney. No real details yet on what the movie will be about but word is the project will extent beyond the cinema. Which could really mean anything. TV show, action figure line or maybe in a few years I'll riding in a car shaped like Lindelof's head on the new "1952" ride at Disney World. It's going to be magical.
A romp of new images from the set of "Piranha 3DD" have hit the tubes and it looks like the blood action at the local water park is in full swing. For the second film a local Lake Havasu water park has been turned into "Big Wet Waterpark" and I assume after filming wraps they either have to detox the entire area or just burn the park to the ground and call it a day. And if you're wondering, a romp is what they call a group of otters. We learned something today!
Mexican actor Diego Luna is reportedly being courted for a role in up coming Neill Blomkamp alien flick titled "Elysium". the film is the follow up to Blomkamp's 2009 epic "District 9" and has already cast Matt Damon and Jodie Foster as earthlings who face an alien onslaught. Sounds like things are going to get caliente on the set my friends! Aye que rico, me pone loca!
John Hlavin who wrote the script for "Underworld 4: New Dawn" is in talks to develop a script for a big screen adaptation of the board game of global domination "Risk". This is just the latest board game to be added to the ever growing list of adaptations and I for one can't wait to see the giant CGI pop-o-matic bubble once someone decided to make "Trouble" a movie.
In Real People News:
A Florida priest is under arrest after he reportedly exposed himself to, groped and offered to perform sexual acts on an undercover cop. What's worse is this all happened on a local beach at 1 in the afternoon. No one should be doing those kinds of things when they're all full from lunch. You'll get cramps.
Parents in a small town in New Mexico are under arrested after people reported them for beating their 5 month old child while they were drunk at Red Lobster. I feel like I'm looking into the future and I'm surprisingly OK with it.
Get excited iApple iNerds! Ghost House has joined forces with Trigger Apps to develop a handy dandy "Evil Dead" shooter game for the iPhone and iPad. They follow the path of the first film and then branch off into a whole new storyline. It'll also come with Bryce Campbell's home phone number. Alright that might be a lie.
The advertising hot dogs behind the upcoming film "Priest" have jumped in to launch an online game for the film. The game can be played in both 2D and 3D, if you can find some glasses, and for those of you that are hammed right now it can even be played in 6D. Because you see double sometimes when you're drunk. Get it? It was either that or a "play with yourself" joke so consider yourselves lucky.
I'm a firm believer that if dogs have the opportunity they will turn on us and make us their slaves. For that reason it's pretty obvious that all dogs should be put in cages and treated like deadly criminals. Apparently though the makers of the new short film "Play Dead", which has a trailer and poster out on the tubes, think when the zombies take over "man's best friend" will be our only allies. Adorable idea, but completely inaccurate.
William Fichtner, who I'm 99% sure is a robot, is all ready to join the cast of Neill Blomkamp's new sci-fi flick "Elysium". The movie also stars Jodie Foster and Matt Damon or as I like to call them Fostermon. I don't think they're dating or anything but it's fun to make up names for people isn't it?
In Real People News:
It's unfortunate that with all the fussin and fightin in the world you can't even spank a kid who gets out of line anymore. But god bless these cops in Colorado who took things to a whole new level by using pepper spray on a second grader who got a little to out of line. Did someone yell "In 'yo face!" when he got hit? Man I hope so.
An NYC official is asking for $1.5 million to deal with the rat problem that he says is effecting tourism in the Big Apple. Honestly I come into the city every day to go to work and the pit in my stomach has nothing to with the rats and everything to do with being so close to "Mama Mia" on Broadway. I can't be the only one.
Your prayers have been answered my friends. A sequel to Tobe Hooper's 2004 remake of "The Toolbox Murders" is finally being made. The film titled "TBK - The Toolbox Murders 2" picks up right where the last film left off and I'm guessing involves a toolbox. Or maybe it takes places at this bar I went to one time called The Toolbox. But now I've said too much.
Movies about video games are usually pretty bad. So are remakes. But a remake of a video game movie? No way this can fail! Ladies and gentlemen I am proud to tell you that "Doom" is being remade. What could make this news better you might ask? What if I were to tell you that it's going to be in 3D? I'm sorry for just making you crap your pants with excitement but I'm sure you'll agree that it was worth it.
Michael Madsen and Rachel Hunter have been cast in Roger Corman's next film titled "Piranhaconda". The movie is obviously about a half piranha half anaconda that runs amok all over the place. According to everything I've read the movie will premier on Syfy sometimes in early 2012 but that can't be right, this has to be getting a wide release.
Brazilian actor Jose Padilha has been cast as the villian in Neill Blomkamp's next film titled "Elysium". The movie is Bloomkamp's first release since his much loved "District 9" and if I'm a betting man will feature a lot more waxing. Cause ya know, this Jose guy is Brazilian... They wax a lot? They can't all be zingers folks!
In Real People News:
A 54 year old Connecticut woman is being brought up on charges after she reportedly forced her adopted son to sleep in a dog cage because he kept wetting the bed. The obvious question you have to ask is where did the dog go? Into the bed? And if the dog can go a entire night without wetting a bed and the kid can't did she really do anything wrong?
Two women in Pennsylvania were convicted of stealing two Wal-Mart gift cards from a 9 year old girl this past week. They were sentenced to sitting outside of the courthouse for almost 5 hours holding giant signs explaining their crime. When I was 13 I shoplifted some "90210" trading cards because I thought it was funny. Now more than ever I thank God I never got caught.