alexandre aja

Maniac (remake) (REVIEW)

“Maniac,”starring Elijah Wood as the maniac killer, is a remake of a 1980 slasher of the same name, and while the recent trend of pointless and half-assed remakes has turned many horror fans off of remakes altogether, I think this is the kind of movie that shows exactly the type of potential that remakes have by showcasing a level of care and craftsmanship that is rare for a horror film, let alone a horror film remake.

Horror Headlines: Friday, December 9th, 2011

It's Friday folks and let's take a little time to plan out our weekend. The Mrs. and I will be venturing to Hershey park with our 5 month old so we can put her on the lap of some stranger who smells like peach Schnapps and Old Spice simply because he's dressed up like Santa. It's the memories that will last a lifetime, the tetanus will only be around for a few months.

What are you doing April 12th, 2013? Washing your hair?! How can you possibly have plans already? Well you might want to cancel them because that's the date you'll finally get a chance to see the "Evil Dead" remake in theaters. And in turn that's the date you'll finally get a chance to lose your shit over the "Evil Dead" remake because you think it's a pile of garbage and the original is sacred and girls didn't talk to you in High School and now that your acne has cleared up they should probably give you a chance. All of those things will happen.

Alexandre Aja, the fella who directed the "Piranha" and "The Hills Have Eyes" remakes has officially been tapped to directed the upcoming big screen adaptation of Joe Hill's "Horns". The books tells the tale of a man who awakes one morning after a night of hard drinking to find he's sprouting horns out of his head. Then a bunch of other stuff happens, like he finds out who killed his girlfriend and stuff. There's some snakes too. The point is I read the book and I want people to know I'm literate.

Horror hot pocket Neil Marshal (I don't know what that means) is being eyed by the good people at CBS Films for their upcoming film titled "Hellfest". The film is about a Halloween themed park where one of the workers is actually going around killing people. This all sounds pretty awesome to me. The director, the story... the killing... well alright the killing part isn't awesome. Ya know, in real life and all. In the movie it's probably going to be cool. And I love roller coasters.

The trailer for "Battleship", a movie about the classic board game, hit a couple months back and looked like one of the most ridiculous things to ever be put on film. But reasoning be damned because Peter Berg is already talking about a sequel. And why shouldn't he. They've made three of those "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movies already and two "Garfield" movies. Alright to be 100% honest I watched the first Chipmunks movie over Thanksgiving break and it was delightful. They're so tiny and adorable.

In Real People News: 

A Virginia Beach man is under arrest after he apparently offered women college scholarships in exchange for allowing him to spank them. I'm not sure how these things works but I'm pretty sure if you set up a scholarship you're allowed to make whatever rules you want but maybe I'm wrong. The fact that it was called the Henry Allen Fitzsimmons Scholarship For Naughty Naughty Girls Who Need To Be Punished, or HAFSFNNGWNTB probably should have been a tip off too.

Meth Labs are illegal, no matter where you set them up, but you got to give this women in Tulsa credit for setting up shop inside a Walmart. I mean with their rock bottom prices and wide isles it really is the perfect location. Watch for falling prices!

Episode 130 - "Piranha 3D"

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We review the most awesomely dumb movie of the summer.

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Piranha 3D (REVIEW)

Piranha 3D

Alexandre Aja, the French cinematic wunderkind, has cut a wide swath through the American horror scene for someone just a few years past his 30th birthday.

Horror Headlines: Thursday June 10th, 2010

If you haven't taken a few minutes out of your impossibly busy schedule to check out the latest gore-heavy trailer for "Mutant Girls Squad", then shame on you. The clip is definitely not safe for work, so be sure everyone's out to lunch before clicking the link.

In the land of strange short films, Eric Branscum's "Future Self" is pretty darn weird. Clever, amusing, and extremely entertaining, yes, but weird nonetheless. After all, it's not everyday that you encounter a dastardly villain with a clock for a head.

Although it pains me greatly to say this, the international one-sheet for Alexandre Aja's upcoming cheesefest "Piranha 3D" is pretty freaking lame. I'm starting to have serious doubts about this one, folks. I hope I'm wrong.

In Real People News: 

The next time you see your elderly neighbor doing something incredibly strange in your garage, you might want to make sure he doesn't have your vacuum stuck to his wrinkled genitals. I'm slightly unnerved just writing that sentence.

Desperate to land a husband? I might be wrong about this, but repeatedly calling 911 in search of a suitable mate isn't exactly the proper course of action. Unless, of course, you're just itching to spend three whole days in jail.

On this day in history: 

1692 - Bridget Bishop, the first victim of the Salem Witch Trials, is hanged at Gallows Hill near Salem.

Horror Headlines: Thursday April 22nd, 2010

Good news for those who loathed the "Friday the 13th" remake: According to producer Brad Fuller, the follow-up to Marcus Nispel's unpopular reimagining has been effectively shutdown until further notice. I doubt few tears will be shed over this news. Very few.

Fans of tasteless and depraved cinema, listen up. The latest round of promotions for Jen and Sylvia Soska's debut "Dead Hooker in a Trunk" are both disturbing and strangely hilarious. The film might be a giant piece of crap, but they've definitely ensnared my attention.

Considering that Alexandre Aja's "Piranha 3D" is only a few months away, you'd think the studio behind the remake would be promoting the hell out of the thing. Thankfully, a load of promotional images from the moderately promising reboot have finally begun making the proverbial rounds. Call me crazy, but I'm starting to have my doubts.

In Real People News: 

Thinking about throwing cheeseballs at oncoming traffic? If so, don't be overly surprised when one of the offended drivers makes it a point to run you down. Besides, I'd say you had it coming.

Guess what? A recent study suggests that premature ejaculation could be passed to unsuspecting males on a genetic level. The next time you fail miserably in the bedroom, give your pops a call and tell him "Thanks, buddy."

On this day in history: 

1923 - Curvy model Bettie Mae Page was born.

Horror Headlines: Thursday April 30th, 2009

Live in Arizona, have a hot, sexy body and want to be in "Piranha 3D"? well they're looking for extras for a giant lake-party scene. I already forwarded them nude pictures of Louis Fowler. Expecting to hear back any minute now.

The official plot to "Saw VI" has been released. Here's a recap (*spoilers!*) Agent Straham is dead, and Detective Hoffman is the lone successor to Jigsaw's throne. As the FBI draws closer to Hoffman, he is forced to set a game into motion, and Jigsaw's grand scheme is "finally understood". Some are speculating that the final line means this may be the last film. I can't possibly believe that, considering they're still making 30 mill a pop. The only thing I'm concerned about is I'm not seeing Julie Benz's name in the cast. Maybe she's holding out for more money? Let's hope she'll be there come this Halloween.

The guys behind the French film "Inside" have their next project, and it's called "Livid". The film is about a young girl who becomes a caretaker for an elderly woman, and decides (with a friend) to search the house at night for a purported treasure. Supernatural shenanigans ensue.

The director of the Korean horror film "Phone" is going to film a US remake... because the moviegoing public is so in to Asian horror remakes these days. Good call.

In Real People News: 

Woman claims her father, who has been dead for over a decade, was really the never-caught "Zodiac Killer". Even weirder? She claims to have written some of his cryptic letters when she was 7 hears old, and that she had even accompanied him on some of his murders. No word on if this is just some crazy bitch or the real deal, but I'm sure someone's looking into it as we speak.

Mr T. reports for jury duty! Nothing horribly depressing about this story at all folks, move along.

Man arrested for terroristic tweets! Gotta love tech-savvy alliteration first thing in the morning.

On this day in history: 

1993: During a quarterfinals match in Hamburg, deranged tennis fan Gunter Parche sneaks up on Monica Seles and stabs her in the back with a boning knife. Parche was just paving the way for Steffi Graf, whom he was actively stalking, to take the top ranking from Seles. His plan succeeds.

Episode 39 - "Mirrors"

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Mirrors is officially the funniest movie of the year so far, and some wise guys ruin the Google report for everyone.

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