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The Best Horror Films of 2013

While tallying the final votes for the annual BGH Top Ten countdown, one trend became immediately clear, even if it wasn’t obvious as the year progressed: 2013 was the year of the alt-horror movie. Some may argue the point, but depending on your tally, we’re looking at roughly three of the top ten and six of the top 15 films that could be considered “true” horror -- that is, film’s whose primary aim is to scare and excite.

The reality is that starting with the number one film, and moving down the top ten, most of these films come with caveats or tongues planted firmly in cheek.

Best of 2013 - Joe's Take

Top 10

10. American Mary
You had me at “stripper”.

9. World War Z
Was it true to the book? Was it better than the book? Did it stay true to the book? I have no idea, I never read the book. Brad Freakin' Pitt folks. All your arguments are negated by those two pools of fantasy we call eyes.

Horror Headlines: Friday October 24th, 2013

Alright so its been a solid 2 weeks. I know you were all worried, but I have a good explanation. See I was surfing around the internet and found this video of a show I went to over 11 years ago. Just look at it. People going all ape shit and being awful. I remember leaving the concert covered in other people's sweat. Sounds awful, right?

I was gaga over this "You're Next" when it was in theaters a few months back. Mostly because I like looping songs, masks and Craig T. Nelson. Well good news for me and everyone else who likes awsome things because it's just been announced that the home invasion flick will hit Blu-Ray and other homeless-people-medias on January 14th. The disc will come with a making-of featurette, two commentary tracks and god knows what else. Just to be clear Craig T. Nelson is not in this movie. I just really like him.

Clive Barker has dropped the bomb that he will in fact write the script for the upcoming "Hellraiser" remake. Want to get moister? The original Pinhead himself Doug Bradley will reprise his role. Want to get moister!? I'm wearing one of those old-timey pajama numbers where the bottom flips down so you can make BM. Alright that last one was a lie, but I kind of wanted to see what sort of sick crap you're into. Sinner.

Andre Ovredal created "Troll Hunter" and because I loved that movie and all things Norwegian I want to be his best friend. I now know why he isn't returning my letters though, it's because he's working on "The Autopsy of Jane Doe", a new film about a father son mortuary team who begin to unravel the mystery surrounding a Jane Doe they receive. No word on a cast yet but the project is set to begin filming in London shortly. Alright, I haven't really written him or anything. No one writes letters anymore. They UPS hair dolls.

Tim Daly, Mario van Peebles, Cody Christian and Willa Ford have all been confirmed to be joining the cast of Steven C. Miller's "Submerged". I read the plot to this film a good 4 times but I really just kept thinking about how I think Willa Ford is probably 300 years old now and is still hot. How is that possible? Wasn't she a pop star back in the 90's? What the hell is going on? Wait no, she's 32. That's younger than I am and I'm hideous. This has taken a terrible turn.

In Real People News: 

Yes, the man who accidentally set himself on fire while trying to set up a burning cross was from Florida. I thought that was a given.

Two high school students in Georgia are in big trouble after they were video taped making dirty dirty in their school cafeteria. Once again proving the point that I went to the worst god damn high school in the world. Plus, I was fat in hIgh school. Plus, I listen to metal and had long hair. Plus, I hate you all.

Horror Icon Mini-Marathon: LARRY FESSENDEN

There is no better friend to the independent horror filmmaker that Larry Fessenden; his work as producer and actor in many of the early films of the new indie horror movement, and his dedication and devotion to horror filmmaking as one of the only places left for a true film auteur, have made him something of a patron saint to the independent horror filmmaking world. It’s just the icing on the cake that he also happens to be a great filmmaker, too.

Episode 263 - "You're Next"

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We review the latest slasher to hit theaters.

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You're Next (REVIEW)

The long gestating festival gem "You're Next" has finally been released to the general public. Originally produced in 2011, it fell a similar fate to last year's "Cabin in the Woods"; being a very well received critical darling but getting put on the back burner for other studio material. Featuring a score of Indie horror icons (Joe Swanberg, Ti West, and writer/actor Simon Barrett), "You're Next" is a prime example of the next generation in horror beginning to surface for prime time exposure.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 15th, 2012

Writing the news in an airport is kind of weird but people walking by don't really seem to give me weird looks when they see what's on my screen. When I get to the real people news though... that's when things get uncomfortable.

It's been a while since we've talked about Rob Zombie but now that his "The Lords Of Salem" is close to seeing the light of day it's time to thrust his loins back into your face. Sounds awful, right? Well it appears Mr. Zombie's witch revenge flick has sparked quite the bidding war with Anchor Bay being the front runner, offering close to $1.5 million for the film. I think we should start anew with Rob so I'll hold back on any stupid comments... I will mention how annoying his wife is though, but that's all.

If you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for the new "Godzilla" reboot then I am happy to tell you the wait is over because the good people at Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures have announced that the flick will hit theaters on May 16th 2014. I mean you have to wait till then, and that's a pretty long time away, but you don't have to wait to know how long you have to wait. You get it? "Wait" by White Lion is a great song.

Adam Wingard's "You're Next" has also found itself a release date in the form of August 23rd 2013. The flick is about a family on vacation when they find themselves being hunted by a group of mysterious killers. They wear masks I think. If they wore Godzilla masks this would tie in really nicely wouldn't it. The lead singers of White Lion's name is Mike Tramp, that always grossed me out.

I have no idea why I keep talking about "Scary movie 5" but the rumor going around that Lindsay Lohan has faked having walking pneumonia is kind of awesome so I think you people need to know about it. Apparently she's a little pissy about the fact that the small role she was set to play had her mocking her own career and downward spiral. I for one am also pissed about it. I don't care what she does, she will always be my sweetheart. My cracked out sloppy mess of a sweetheart.

In Real People News: 

Seems a bit extreme but a St. Louis man shot his uncle to death over an argument about the cut of their pork chops. That's not a weird euphemism for something else either. He really killed his uncle over the cut of meat.

Well this is nice to see not happening in Florida. A Pennsylvania man is under arrest after he jumped out of a second story window and started chewing on a passer by's head. Good for you, Florida. You go and let those hicks in PA be the weirdos for a day.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 11th, 2011

"You're Next" is a new "vacation gone bad because of a bunch of nut jobs" flick that's getting all kinds of giggles and gaggles from the peanut gallery. Yes I know that doesn't make any sense but I'm running out of creative ways to say a movie looks good. Check out the new poster for the flick which features a creepy mask all covered in blood. It'll really make your hog-swallow turn a randy flipgate on a dime.

Word around campus is Mr. Tom Cruise is in discussion to take the lead role in the upcoming flick "We Mortals Are". The movie is being described as "Source Code" but with aliens or as I'll call it a movie I fell asleep watching... with aliens. The film will be directed by Doug Liman and watched by no one.

Yes yes Lars Von Tier said some pretty stupid things but hot hog if his new end of the world flick "Melancholia" doesn't look good. I know I'm surprised by my chipper mood today too. And today we've got a new motion poster for the flick which comes out on 11-11-11. The movie stars Kirsten Dunst who won best actress at Cannes this past May for her role in the flick. Her snaggle tooth took home runner up.

In what might be the most shocking news of the last 15 minutes it looks like "Hostel III" will be heading direct to DVD this coming December. I know I had expected a big Hollywood premier event also. You can probably guess the plot of this one so I'll just tell you it takes place in Vegas. Feel free to do your own awful "Swingers" impressions now.

In Real People News: 

A South Carolina teacher is accused of punching one of her students in the face after the 13 year old boy tossed a pen in the trash can. Some people really hate it when you don't recycle. Of course I have no idea if you can recycle a pen. I'm not some damn hippie.

And speaking of school time fun. Here's a Florida man who's been arrested after he repeatedly made number 2 on the steps of a local school. Morning kids!

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