sharktopus

Sharktopus (REVIEW)

I’ve been boycotting Sci-Fi Channel, excuse me, Syfy Channel exclusive films for years now. I quickly learned that these films across the board sucked in a way no other films did. Occasionally I’d see a title in a video store and take a chance and go for it, only to be burned time and time again. “Blood Monkey”, “Ice Spiders”, “Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon”, “Raptor Island”, all sounded so stupid, so horribly bad that I thought they’d make for an entertaining watch with some friends and some beer, only to be disappointed time and time again.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 16th, 2011

Michael Stephenson, yes the "Troll 2" Michael Stephenson, will be producing and directing a new dark comedy titled "Destroy". The movie focuses on a man obsessed with hunting and destroying vampires even though they don't exist. Which is obviously fiction because vampires do exist and they have babies with normal people, which I think I might how the "Twilight" series ends. So, spoiler alert! Maybe.

A new clip from "Sharktopus" featuring commentary by Roger Corman has been released in honor of the films DVD release. Corman has a cameo as a beach bum who oogles a girl on the beach which is really how we all like our Corman. Either that way or with a side of cole slaw, I like that Corman too.

Mark Pellington, who I would be mocking for his music video directing work if he hadn't also directed "Arlington Road", says that the script for the English remake of "The Orphanage" is actually better than the original. He goes on to say that he's getting a little antsy to get this thing going and wants to close on a leading lady ASAP. Having never seen the original and not knowing much about the remake I'm going to confidently say the girl who played Six on "Blossom" would be perfect.

I can't think of one time Woody Harrelson has been wrong so when he talks about "Zombieland 2" and says he's "not sure it's the right thing to do." I believe him. I would also believe him if he told me that the sky is red and bleach is perfectly fine to drink too though, so maybe I'm not the best judge of people. In any case the future of the film is rocky at best but as of right now is moving forward.

In Real People News: 

Singing pornographic songs to kids is always funny, that's a fact that any college scholar will tell you. So I'm shocked and disturbed to find that a 21 year old man in Michigan is being brought up on charges of manufacturing child sexually abusive material after he posted a video on youtube of him singing a dirty song spliced with video of kids in a classroom. Even more troubling is that the video has been taken down.

A Massachusetts man is being forced to undergo a psychiatric evaluation after he threatened two men with a hatchet in a local Wal-Mart. Honestly though have you ever talked to a Boston sports fan? Two seconds of listening to any of them and I want to take a hatched to anyone within a 5 mile radius.

Horror Headlines: Friday March 12th, 2010

So we have two more weeks until Horrorhound Weekend. Did you get your tickets yet? All of our various cliques are coming together and making our plans, from a Friday night karaoke bash where I plan on starting with Neil Diamond's “America” to Saturday's “Cheeseburger in Horrorhound Weekend-idise”, where I will intrusively push my love of Jimmy Buffett on everyone. Horror is great and all, but c'mon, even you gotta admit it gets old fast.

After the success of the ultra-tepid and mega-overrated “Paranormal Activity”, Paramount is hoping that lightning will strike twice by starting Insurge Pictures, an in-house effort that will distribute films budgeted under $100,000. While this sounds awesome at first glance, we all know this'll just become another home for Hollywood vanity project for the likes of Steven Soderburgh and George Clooney to “get back to their roots” by using digital cameras to make scathing indictments of the US military complex starring porn stars and cameos from former teen-stars trying to shed their pretty boy image. On the plus side, you might get to see James Van Der Beek's dong.

Eric Roberts has signed the dotted line to star in the SyFy movie “Sharktopus”. I know that I've been a champion of these movies in the past, but, after the release of “Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus”, I find it hard to give a damn anymore. These movies used to be reviled and spit on, which, for me, added to their charm, but, for some reason, with the release of “MS v. GO”, they became a part of the hipster culture and they became “cool” bad movies. “Hey bro, I can't make it to our Brooklyn-based indie art-rock collective band meeting tonight! SyFy has Cyndi Lauper is taking on a Spider-Megalodon!” (And, even more, am I the only one who feels like a total dick actually writing “SyFy”? That channel has gotten so pretentious I'm surprised they haven't done a Phillip K. Dick miniseries yet, with a soundtrack by Joanna Newsom.)

In Real People News: 

According to a recent study, huffing—the act of inhaling vapors to get high— has surpassed "street drugs", like marijuana, among 12-year-olds. Remember that story last week about the small condoms for 12-year-olds? WHAT THE FUCK ARE 12-YEAR-OLDS DOING? When I was 12, I had just discovered masturbation by rubbing my dick vigorously against the rim of the tub. Sex and huffing were a looooong way off.

Devotees of a Miami man claiming to practice a traditional African religion say they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. Call me crazy, but I like to worship a God that doesn't make me drink snail mucus to prove my love to Him. I'm old-fashioned like that.

A Mexican military helicopter was spotted hovering over a South Texas neighborhood. While many residents are wondering why the military would cross into our country, I'm wondering how they were able to stuff 23 soldiers, a crate of chickens, a taco-stand and a goat named Jorge into one helicopter.

On this day in history: 

In 1930, renowned pussy Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march to the sea to protest the British monopoly on salt. This was followed a week later by a swim in the Ganges to protest the high price of Mrs. Dash.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday February 17th, 2010

We spoke earlier this week about the return of Vin Diesel to the "Riddick" franchise; plot details are starting to emerge. Expect back to basics with more monsters, which is always fun.

Roger Corman is heading back to the director's chair, teaming with the Syfy Channel for two epic features; "Dinoshark" and "Sharktopus". Sound horrible? Well of course it does! But that is Corman's bread and butter.

Jefferey Dean Morgan continues to grow his genre-cred as he joins Sam Worthington in "The Fields". This time around Morgan will be portraying a detective investigating Gulf area refineries for a murderer. Let's hope he does so as The Comedian.

Hey "Supernatural" fans, your dreams have come true! The CW has officially picked up the show for a sixth season. Maybe I should actually try watching it sometime!

In Real People News: 

Two bungling burglars are caught after misguided attempts at home robbery. Upon entering their victims houses, the two would-be thieves began to chat up their sleeping victims until Eli Powell woke up and realized what was going on. He then proceeded to choke out his assailant.

Two Memphis area residents are arrested for inciting a riot at a local Chuck E. Cheese. Sure, their pizza is terrible and that mouse is really damn creepy, is that really worth starting a fight over?

On this day in history: 

1993 - An overcrowded ferry carrying up to 1,500 people sinks off the coast of Haiti. Only 285 people were known to have survived.

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