rise of the planet of the apes

Apes in Earrings: The Gender Problem in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Like most horror, fantasy, and science fiction, “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” requests it’s audience place a hefty ante. You guys, anthropomorphic, equestrian apes: you in or out?

Horror Headlines: Tuesday February 26th, 2013

Did you see the 2011 Israeli film "Rabies"? Me either but some guys I know did and they liked it so that's pretty much an Oscar win in my book. Well the film's creators, Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado, has set "Big Bad Wolves" as their next project with a 2013 release in mind. The film follows three men who are linked by a series of terrible murders. Kind of like a fun club or something. But without the fun. And no one wants to be in the club.

"The Last Exorcism Part II" may or may not turn out to be hot dookie but that doesn't mean that the folks behind the film can't come up with some pretty entertaining ways to promote the flick. Case in point, a pretty dandy prank they played on a number of beauty shop goers. Is it funny? Yes it is. Is there a chance any of these people will come back to the shop? No. No there isn't.

I think Hot Topic ruined "The Crow" for all of us so I don't think anyone is really excited about the remake that's been kicking around for some time now. But what if I were to tell you that James McAvoy is being tossed around as a possible lead for the film? Would that change your mind? He was good in "Wanted" right? No, you're right. This still sounds awful.

Kodi Smit-Mcphee, the annoying kid from "The Road" is going to be in "Rise of the Planet of the Apes". He may or may not play a monkey. Alright fine, he won't.

In Real People News: 

Remember residents of Florida. When you're fixin to make up a mess of waffles make sure you take your bullets out of the oven before you pre-heat it. Otherwise you're doggum foot gunna get shot off.

A PA woman is under arrest after she apparently attacked her boyfriend with a Playstation controller and a Furby. I had no idea they still made Furby's but then again what do I know. I'm not sitting in Pennsylvania arguing over who gets to make out with the cow first or whatever else they talk about there.

Horror Headlines: Friday, April 27th, 2011

I could have sworn this happened about a week after "Rise Of the Planet Of the Apes" was released but the folks over at Fox have officially announced a sequel. They also went on to announce that this Summer's Olympics will be held in London and that I will be spending the 4th of July passed out drunk next to a kiddie pool while my daughter cries.

Walking dead writer Scott Gimple has been thrust into the script writing roll for a new Sci-Fi flick titled "Prosthesis" by the folks over at Universal. There's not much in the way of details yet on this one so let me take this time to comment on how pissed I am that Universal Orlando closed the "Jaws" attraction. Sure it was kind of outdated but still... freakin Jaws.

2011's little horror movie that could "Grave Encounters" has gotten quite the following in the hor-nerd cirlces so everyone get out your tallywacker because "Grave Encounters 2" is on its way. The plot of this one will focus on a group of students who break into the hospital from the first film only to find that the footage they saw was all too real. It's a movie inside a movie. Like a turducken but with less meat.

Chloe Sevigny, the fun gal from "Big Love" and all those creepy movies that came from the guy who did "Kids" has been confirmed for the cast of "American Horror Story" season 2. She'll be playing Shelly the Nymphomaniac. I'll be playing the guy who's desperately trying not to remember that scene from "The Brown Bunny" where she goes down on Vincent Gallo. It's so graphic.

In Real People News: 

This guy in Tennessee has got it all figured out and we could learn a thing or twofrom him. The lesson he's taught us is if you're stumbling around the interstate and a cop pulls up you 100% have to ask the officer if he's Jesus before stealing his car. You don't want to steal a cop car and then find out later it was actually Jesus. That's bad karma.

Apparently 28 years into your life you can go back and sue the hospital you were born at for circumcising you. Good to know.

Episode 173 - "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"

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Prepare to add the phrase "Brian Cox's Monkey Jail" to your vocabulary...

Purchase this Back Episode $0.99

Horror Headlines: Monday August 15th, 2011

If you liked "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" then get ready because it looks like the writers have a trilogy in mind. Or have always had in mind. How quickly they decided this after the film made a boat load of money no one knows but let's pretend it was always the plan. That makes it nicer.

It looks like the long awaited sequel to "The Wicker Man", the original not the Nic Cage masterpiece, titled "The Wicker Tree" will hit theaters in early 1012 thanks for the good people at Anchor Bay. The sequel tells the story of two newcomers who come to Scotland only to run into a strange group of religious fanatics. I hope they wear weird animal head dresses again.

Showtime is pushing the "Dexter" promos so much you'd almost think season 6 isn't still a month and a half away. But anyway there's a new poster for your peepers to view and it's crafty because it's got Dexter with a bunch of blood behind him. But wait, the blood looks like wings. You just mind f'ed me lonely designer who spent hours on this and 74 other posters only to have some jackass on a horror website mock it. I'm so sorry.

Good news America. It looks like Tom Six will be setting "The Human Centipede 3" in the good old U.S. of A. Wait, it gets better. According to Six the third installment will make the second look like a "Disney film". I love Disney films so I can't wait for the second, which will see a limited release in the states on October 7th. Disney films and America? I believe you have warmed your way into my heart Mr. Six.

In Real People News: 

I'm not sure what kind of standards Olympic skiers have to live up to in the US but I'm pretty sure urinating on an 11 year old on a flight is not considered appropriate. Unfortunately that's just what an 18 year old team member did on a red eye flight to NY the other day. But hey the swimmer guy smoked a lot of pot. That's worse, right?

If you've ever driven through Pennsylvania than you know those back woods hicks drive like mental patients. To drive home the point here's a lovely story about an Aunt who didn't think she could handle getting out of a tight parking spot. Her solution to the problem? Having her six year old niece give it a go. Sure, why not.

Horror Headlines: Thursday June 23rd, 2011

"Watchmen" writer Alex Tse has been picked up by the fellas at Relativity Media to pen the long delayed remake of "The Crow". For those of you who weren't fortunate enough to be a part of the madness that was the original 1994 flick, it starred Brandon Lee as a man who comes back from the dead to avenge his and his fiancee's murder. Brandon Lee also died on the set... and the movie sucked... and it pretty much created Hot Topics. Can't wait.

John Lithgow and a bunch of apes. I've had dreams that start like this. But that's neither here nor there my friends because a new international trailer for "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" has hit the tubes and it's full of hot monkey on monkey action. The film focuses on apes that will eventually take over the planet in the distant future. I should apologize to those of you who may have been under the impression there was monkey porn in the trailer based on my comments. Sickos.

For those of you out there who were actually excited about David R. Ellis’ "Shark night 3D" I've got some bad news for the 7 of you. The shark attack camp out flick has been slapped with a PG-13 by the folks at the MPAA. Just so we're clear PG-13 means no nudity, minimal swearing and most importantly absolutely no fun whatsoever. Boo this man!

Looks like the Miami Metro Police is getting itself an intern in the form of Josh Cooke. Cookie (new nickname I've just decided to give him) will join the cast of "Dexter" for season 6 which is currently ramping up for production. Sir Cooks A Lot will play a new addition to the team and apparently become buddy buddy with creepy bald Asian, Masuka. I smell romance!

In Real People News: 

Colorado police are on the hunt for a man who has apparently been hiding inside the tank of a large portable toilet at an outside yoga festival. There's really nothing funny or sarcastic that could make this any weirder so let's just agree to never speak of it again. Moving along now.

If I was going to list the most frightening ways to die I'm pretty sure having a 300 pound man attack me with a battle ax would probably make the top 10. And here's a story about a man who was murdered in just such a way. Poor SOB.

Horror Headlines: Friday June 3rd, 2011

Despite only being two months from its release and having a fairly decent cast I've heard jack and squat about "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" on the "normie" channels. I'd know too, I'm a sucker for Access Hollywood. But a new trailer has hit the tubes and it's got some promise to it. It's also got John Lithgow in it. Feel free to insert your own "John Lithgow's ass" joke here.

Holy mother of god that was quick. "Dylan Dog: Dead of Night", which was in 4 theaters for about 3 days I think, will hit DVD and Blu-Ray on July 26th. That's just about 3 months after it's release date back in April for those of you keeping track at home. Special bonus on the limited edition deluxe blu-ray, in depth interviews with the 7 people who saw the film in the theaters and 1/3 of the cast will actually come to your home and do the commentary track live.

While the world waits for a new "Alien" movie the good nerds of the video game industry have plans on release a first person shooter titled "Aliens: Colonial Marines" in the Spring of 2012. Of course the game based on the much loved movie franchise has been in development since since back in 06 so I guess my point is moot. That and I just used the word "moot" for the first time.

And since I refuse to write about and update from the set of "Wrong Turn 4" here's some more video game news. "Jaws: Ultimate Predator" will hit the Wii and 3DS sometime in the not too distant future. The game will be set 35 years after the events of the original film and allow players to take control of the mega-shark with tons of bloody chomping action to be had. Of course Majesco, the company putting it out also put out a 2006 "Jaws" game which was kind of like playing a game where a mentally challenged fish dry humped a fishing boat, but it could still be cool. Maybe.

In Real People News: 

It's not clear yet why a 21 year girl in Ohio decided to unleash pepper spray on 3 children at a local playground but if I was a betting man I'd say they were trying to sell her something. Like those stupid kids selling 3$ bags of peanut M&M's to get new uniforms for their basketball team. Where do you practice you little prick!? Answer me that and I'll buy your damn Skittles! That's right you don't know, boom, you just got pepper sprayed.

A 35 year old Florida man is under arrest after he hit a city worker with his truck because he thought the guy looked like a terrorist. Wrong? Yes, but you've got to appreciate the guy's love for this fine nation we live in. Slap on the wrist maybe? No? Attempted murder charges you say? Alright let's call it a deal.

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