the host

Oldboy (REVIEW)

Of all the horror films to be remade in recent years “Oldboy” is probably the one I would think American studios wouldn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole. It’s an incredibly dark, violent, mean-spirited, and shocking film whose finale involves a taboo that American audiences would find revolting. Even though mainstream studios, for whatever reason, are completely stuck in the remake trend, this was an idea that felt so bad I felt compelled to watch just out of sheer morbid curiosity.

The Host (Gwoemul) (REVIEW)

Some months ago on the podcast when we reviewed Chan-wook Park's "Thirst," we remarked that South Korean filmmakers have a knack for taking common horror film concepts and spinning them in a way that's just different enough to make them stand out. In this tradition, 2006's "The Host," directed by Bong Joon-ho, manages to take the common monster movie framework, and craft it into a family-focused drama with hints of comedy and satire. Oh, and it also features a gigantic catfish monster with legs and a prehensile tail.

Horror Headlines: Friday September 25th, 2009

I'm back. Sorry for the hiatus, but it's hard to do the news on an early Friday morning when you don't have Internet. Back at my old house, I was able to steal Internet, but, at the new condo I just bought, all these bastards have passwords and WPA codes and whatnot on their Internet, so, of course, now I have to legitimately pay for it, with a modem and everything. XBOX Live, here I come!

So “Mr. Disgusting” over at Bloody Disgusting posted an “exclusive” synopsis of the upcoming remake of The Gate: “It revolves around Miles and Terry who live in a typical suburban tract. One day, they discover a mysterious crystalline rock in Miles' backyard, they quickly dig up the lawn in search of more. But instead, they unearth The Gate - the opening to an underground chamber containing terrifying evil. The boys soon realize what they have unleashed, as one dire event follows another. With supernatural fiends invading suburbia, it's up to the kids to find the secret that will lock forever THE GATE...If it is not too late.” Exclusive? Really?? Sorry, “Mr. Disgusting”, BUT THAT IS THE EXACT SAME PLOT OF THE ORIGINAL GATE!!! Is that really an “exclusive”??? This just in, we here at BGH have an exclusive synopsis about David Cronenberg's remake of The Fly: “A brilliant scientist, creating a teleportation machine, accidentally transports himself and a common housefly in the machine, with horrific chaos ensuing.” EXCLUSIVE!!! Just call me “Señor Grotesque”!!!

With Twilight becoming a total pop culture phenomenon, filmmakers are clamoring for anything Stephanie Meyer, so her first, ahem, “adult” novel "The Host" has been optioned. Pandering to the lonely, repressed female sci-fi crowd, "The Host" is a post-apocalyptic novel about, oh, I don't know, mutants that sparkle or something. I don't know. You know what I do know though? I think Stephanie Meyer is really hot. I would love to go on a date with her, pretend to listen to everything she says and then go back to her place and just bang her all night, and by all night, I mean for about an hour, upon which, I'll raid her fridge, which I'm sure is packed, watch some cable and pass out on her couch, only to wake up with her four or five cats sleeping on me. Somehow, she'll see this as a the opening of a meaningful relationship and we'll be together forever, just like Bella and Ricardo. (Ricardo's the dude's name, right?)

According to Variety, Dimension Films has unveiled their upcoming slate, which includes "Scream 4", "Spy Kids 4", "Halloween 3", "Children of the Corn", "Hellraiser", "Short Circuit", "Scanners" and "An American Werewolf in London", half of which will be in 3D. Thanks for running the third dimension into the ground, horror filmmakers! Funny enough, this slate is almost exactly similar to Dimension's slate in the late 90s, the same one that ran them into the ground and caused most of their releases to go direct-to-video. "Phantoms 2", please!

In Real People News: 

The Connecticut Karaoke Assaultwould make a great movie title! I'm thinking an “urban comedy/thriller” from Dimension Films!

These Goddamn liberal hippie environmentalists are trying to get rid of “plush” toilet paper. Listen here: the day your take my quadruple-quilted Northern is when you pry it from my cold, dead anus!

In an interview just before his death, Michael Jackson found enough time to take an 8-year-old's penis out of his mouth to call Hitler a “genius orator”. When reached for comment, Hitler said “Really? That's pretty fucked up, dude.”

On this day in history: 

In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor becomes the first female Justice of the Supreme Court. Contrary to many horrible sexist jokes of the time, she is post-menopausal and her period/PMS will not come to affect any of her decisions.

Stephanie Meyer's "The Host" Adapted by Gattaca Director

What just happened to me must be one of the perils of writing for a horror website... I just read (well, skimmed) someone's blog entry - er, on what appeared to be an industry news site - breaking down point-by-point why Stephanie Meyer is a good writer, using the first paragraph of "New Moon." I threw up in my mouth.

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