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Horror Headlines: Friday, December 16th, 2011

I've had a frozen pumpkin pie sitting in my freezer for over two years now and on Christmas I plan on finally eating it. There's a 75% chance I'll become violently ill, which is ok because I could stand to lose a few pounds. Either way I win.

"Gone" sounds like the worst idea for a movie ever imagined. A girl comes home to find her sister missing and is convinced the serial killer who kidnapped her 2 years ago has returned. The best ending for this would be that she just went out for ice cream. But hey, Amanda Seyfried is in it and there's some new posters with her on them. So we should probably see it. You know, to help the economy or whatever.

Dario Argento's "Dracula 3D" has got a new trailer today but I should warn you, it's chock full of spoilers. I should also warn you that it's a new Dario Argento movie so you know it's not good and stuff. I should also warn you that I get very emotional around the holidays so you may have to put up with some random sobbing over the next couple of weeks.

I'm going to come right out and say it, I find Reese Witherspoon adorable. She seems so nice and I'd let her babysit my child in a heartbeat. I know she'd be good at it. And now she's been cast in "The Devil's Knot". A film that sounds like a gay porn but is actually the true life story of The West Memphis Three, a story about 3 teens who were wrongly accused of the murder of three 8-year-old boys. I'm pretty sure this isn't a romantic comedy.

Hot diggity dog! Here's a couple of posters for "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter", a movie based on the book with a title that should give you a pretty good idea of what the movie is about. Did that sentence confuse you? It's like a strange riddle, isn't it? I wrote it and then fell to the floor and convulsed for about 15 minutes.

In Real People News: 

Two things you should never do at McDonald's. Fall asleep there and look at child pornography on your laptop. And for the love of god you should never do those two things together like this guy from Indiana. Of course you should probably never do that first one anywhere.

Horror Headlines: Thursday February 10th, 2011

"Black Death" is a movie about the black plague in days of yore and it has now hit VOD, Xbox Live, iTunes and that homeless guy who lives outside the 711 has a copy on a USB drive. In celebration of this a whole gang load of images and videos have shot up on the net. Enjoy me maties! That's medieval talk!

Next up for Amanda Seyfried is a new thriller titled "Gone". The movie stars Seyfried as a girl who returns home after working her night shift to find her sister's bed empty. Is it the serial killer who terrorized her two years ago? Did she just go out for ice cream? Will the movie feature a swimsuit competition? We can only wait and see.

DreamWorks has acquired the rights to "Voices from the Dead", a movie that focuses on magician Harry Houdini and mystery author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The two go off on a fun filled weekend in Vegas, with sexy results! Wait no that's all wrong, they solve murders. My bad.

Dear mother of god if the Coen brothers make a horror film I swear to god I will buy all of you a pony. And in a recent interview Ethan Coen hinted that this may very well be happening saying that him and his brother are working on a number of scripts, one of which is a horror flick. Just so we're clear when I say I'll buy you all a pony I mean one pony that you have to share, I'm not made out of ponies.

In Real People News: 

We've all dreamed of doing it but one man in Florida saw the opportunity and he reached for it. It being $314 dollars in a stripper's garter. Of course he then got arrested and I'm just guessing had the taste knocked out of his mouth by a bouncer. But still, dare to dream folks.

Those who can't, teach. And those who teach, beat the holy living hell out of your kids if they talk back too much. Like this teacher in Maryland who hit, punched, scratched and yes choked her little first graders. That's what happens with your kids sass too much.

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