The Download Horror (Movie Review)

In my short tenure as film reviewer for Bloody Good Horror, I will say that writing this review for “The Download Horror” is the biggest challenge I’ve had so far. What can I say about this movie? On the one hand, it reminds me of the horror movies that we probably made when we were 15 years old with a cheap camera, a bucket of ketchup, and a bunch of friends. On the flip side, the creators of this movie aren’t 15 (at least I don’t think they are), and it’s just not a good movie. I mean... it is bad.

It’s typically around this time that I write about the plot, but I have to be honest here, I have no idea what is going on in “The Download Horror.” Is there even a plot here? The core movie has something to do with a small relic that appears to be possessed, and a group of women who get together in an old house in the Scottish countryside, and a guy who’s tracking them down. Then there’s some weird dancing with naked chicks, and the women begin getting killed, or something.

You’ll notice I said the “core” movie. While all this nonsense is going on, “The Download Horror” takes the curious step to have two narrators named Dougie and Robbo provide snarky commentary throughout the movie. This is the producers’ attempt to create their own little version of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” I guess.

I have to admit, I was intrigued by this idea (as a huge fan of “MST3K”), but “The Download Horror” isn’t really able to pull it off. To begin, Dougie and Robbo have very thick Scottish accents, so I picked up on maybe half of their jokes. In addition, I didn’t find much of their humor funny at all.

But even if I understood every word, the biggest problem with this little experiment is that Dougie and Robbo are getting in the way of enjoying a really bad horror movie. Don’t we all love sitting through awful movies and making fun of them? With the running commentary going on, I had to compete with the two voices on the screen. What’s the fun in that? And that’s too bad, because the core movie here is one I was dying to make fun of. Typical B-movie overacting? Check. Cheap but kinda fun gore scenes? Check. Boobies? Check and check.

I have to give “The Download Horror” an “E” for effort, but in the end it’s not enough to recommend. If you’d like to check the movie out, it’s available for download on Distrify. You can check out the trailer on Youtube and then click the link to purchase the film online.