Dark House (REVIEW)

With Halloween looming around the bend, my viewing habits turn towards the tried and true horror tropes. Werewolf tales, ghost stories and classic monster movies elbow found footage, home invasion and low budget slashers aside and make their way to the front of the queue. As the 31st closes in, I find fewer things more satisfying than a subtle, well crafted haunted house film that chills me to my marrow and raises the hair on the back of my neck.

Horror Headlines: February 19th, 2010

When you see me at HHW in Indy here in a few weeks, chances are, by 10 PM, me and the gang are gonna be pretty wasted. Let's make no bones about it. The difference this year? I've decided to say sayonara to those wonderful Midori Sours and, instead, will be getting' down and dirty with Lone Star beer and a couple of bottles of Jim Beam. I've been listening to a lot of Hank Williams Jr. lately and it's time I man up, God dammit.

Let's start the news this morning with a well-deserved laugh: the new Fangoria blog. LOL. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Some people say that this ultra-basic blog is the death-rattle, some people say it's a possible rebirth. I kinda hope it's like a guy who's been in a serious car-wreck and has severe brain-damage, leaving him a drooling imbecile who has no real motor functions but is still, sadly, barely alive for years and years, becoming a drain on their friends and family who secretly wish that he would just die so they can move on with their lives, causing brutal inner turmoil inside them because they know that it's wrong to think of their loved one like that. Kinda like that.

Over at Dread Central, they score a nice coup with a short interview with Rider Strong, star of Cabin Fever and, more importantly, Boy Meets World. And while he does a serviceable job discussing the Cabin Fever legacy, not once do they ask him about motorboating Topanga's big fat juggs. Seriously...face aside, I could plant a flag on that pasty chest and proclaim it as the property of Spain. My God...did you see her in National Lampoon's Dorm Daze? That movie gave me arthritis, if you know what I mean.

Five-headed mangina Joss Whedon and hipster documentarian Morgan Spurlock are teaming up to make what is going to be the most ironic, annoying and patronizing documentary ever about the San Diego Comic-Con. Let's place bets right now that the man-mammed Whedon stuffs the thing with scantly-clad “Slave Leias” and then uses some sort of pseudo-feminist BS to make viewers think that what they're watching isn't Maxim-level jerk-off material. Meanwhile, Spurlock will comb his handlebar mustache with a PBR can.

In Real People News: 

Elton John, in next Sunday's long-running, elderly-beloved, free newspaper insert Parade, claims that Jesus was “gay”. When reached for comment, Jesus said “People still read Parade? Really?”

As a response to the recent spate of recalled Toyota cars, Toyota president Akio Toyoda said he will testify at a congressional hearing next week. His defense? “Ah so...mya penis is-a veddy veddy tiny! And-a yours is-ta veddy veddy big! Super big USA penis yankee number one!”

In Prague, a trio of doctors accidentally left a foot-long medical tool inside a woman's abdomen. The doctors—Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard, respectively—were said to have acted completely unprofessional during the procedure, using a comically large mallet as an anesthetic tool, constantly fighting each other during the operation—including one doctor poking another in the eyes and calling him a “numbskull”—and, somehow, causing a pie-fight in the operating theater.

On this day in history: 

In 1846, Texas officially became a part of the United States. Texans plan on celebrating by executing a handful of mentally-handicapped kids on Death Row while firing off six-shooters in large vats of bold 'n' spicy chili.

Horror Headlines: Friday February 5th, 2009

Bloody Good Horror does a wonderful, fantastic job of covering all aspects of horror. Probably the best, if you ask me. But how come, when it comes to music coverage, it's always about these hacky, screaming, trashy neo-metal bands with names like Tabernackle Neckkrack, Pentagrim or MethDettle TKO? Is this really the ONLY kind of music that horror fans care about? C'mon... surely some of us enjoy the soothing sounds of Steely Dan or Jimmy Buffett, right? Does anyone else here just ever sink into a bean-bag and gel with the Kenny G Live album? I can't be the only one... can I?

So, of course, the big news today is former Fangoria staffer James Zahn's loud 'n 'proud Facebook missive against his former employers. The major consensus is that he's just confirming what everyone figured about the behind-the-scenes of the magazine, but the real surprise, for me, at least? That Fangoria might have folded! The last issue I bought was about three months ago, after a two year hiatus; I was shocked by the $27 cover price and the 84-page tribute to Twilight. But, I gotta say, I loved the article entitled “Kane Hodder's 12-Minute Killer Ab Workout”. I lost five pounds! Thanks, Fango!

In Horrorhound Weekend news, it's been announced that at this March's Indy convention that the full, uncut version of Clive Barker's entertainingly silly "Nightbreed" will be screened for the first time ever. It sucks that I'll be missing it because I'm gonna be chugging Jim Beam while partying with about eight-to-ten BBWs in the BGH room's hot-tub. If you're reading this and you're a plus-size fox, well, you're fucking invited.

Susan “Bag 'Em and Tag 'Em” Sarandon's daughter, Eva “Godzilla Tits” Amurri has been gaining a bit of notoriety lately, especially after a saline-filled performance on Californication (whatever that is) and palling around with Olivia “Do You Like Me Yet?” Munn. She must be learning quite a bit from Munn, because she's going after your nerd-dollars now with a lead in "Isolation", a horror flick set in a... wait for it... hospital... and she has no memory how she got there! Oooh! I'm guessing she got there because of a botched boob-job. Speaking of botched boob-jobs, let's bet money now this goes straight to DVD. ZING.

In Real People News: 

Fuck paying for daycare. Yeah, I said it, but you know who's practicing it? Chen Chuanliu, a Chinese rickshaw driver who's been chaining his kid to a tree to keep him from being kidnapped by Oriental scoundrels! Ancient Chinese secret, huh? (GONG NOISE)

You know who shouldn't own cats? Goth kids. If they don't kill them by subjecting them to endless hours of tuneless Siouxsie Sioux drivel, there they go, piercing their l'il kitty ears and making them wear “Team Edward” shirts because daddy didn't loan them the Family Truckster to go and smoke Cloves down behind the Circle K. Fuckin' Goths. Really.

A Canadian restaurant is actually inviting patrons to have dirty sex in their unisex bathrooms. The restaurant's name? “Waiter! There's A Hair In My...Oh, Nevermind.”

On this day in history: 

In 1917, the current constitution of Mexico was adopted, establishing a federal republic with powers separated into independent executive, legislative, and judicial branches. Naturally, we celebrated by eating tacos and shooting our pistolas into the air.

GOREZONE Rises From the Dead

Old school horror fans will definitely remember GOREZONE, Fangoria's nasty little brother in the horror magazine biz from the late 80's and early 90's. Back in January, Fangoria announced that they were bringing back GOREZONE in both online and print editions, and the online part of that promise finally launched today.

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