I'm not sure that you can say "truth is stranger than fiction" when you're talking about a band like Slipknot, who has been doing the freaky metal circus performer thing since I dabbled in jeans with vestigial zippers in the early 2000's. However, just when I thought I'd never hear about them again, they go ahead and do something too hilarious to ignore. Apparently, former drummer one-of-thirty Joey Jordison has revealed that he was fired from the band in the most insulting way possible. While I imagined Slipknot would send their pink slips via dreary storm cloud, it turns out that they loved/hated Jordison enough to deliver the news via singing telegram. Thankfully, the transcript has been preserved for pointing and laughing purposes:
I am your singing telegram
Sent to you this December
To let you know you’re not a member
Of our band anymore
So don’t get hit by the door
On your way out
It’s no use to cry and shout
You were once one of The Nine
But without you we’ll be fine
“What will ‘Knot be without me?”
Well we’ll tell you and you’ll see
We’ve already hired a Jew
To take the drum spot away from you
No, this message ain’t in jest
Yes, we wish you all the best!
We just don’t want you with us
When we get back on the bus
Please don’t try to beg or barter
Now you have more time for Scar the Martyr!
P.S. In case it wasn’t clear, you’re fired.
With a dismissal like that, it's hard to imagine anything but the remaining members of Slipknot huddling around their "Burn Book" brainstorming increasingly sassy ways to fire people. It's hard to tell who looks worse in this scenario, but I often thought that the drumming was the only tolerable part of Slipknot's music so I imagine Jordison will have no trouble moving on. Thanks for the grease paint and work shirt memories, Joey!