Horror Headlines: Friday July 3rd, 2009

Submitted by Louis Fowler on Friday, Jul 3rd 2009

Hey guys, Louis here. Yes, thanks to your warm-to-lukewarm response, I'm back again to give you your precious horror “news”...a little something to chuckle over between your briny, foamy morning urination and your first cup of bland coffee.

Shock-rocker Marilyn Manson has gained weight. Like, a lot of weight. I'm guessing that it's guilt eating—I mean, I'd probably get fat(ter) if my music led to senseless school shootings and countless dollars wasted at Hot Topic. I wonder: how does this bode for his musical career? If there's anything more laughable than a Goth, it's a fat Goth. Still, here's some song titles I came up with that he can use: “The Bountiful People”, “I Don't Like the Twinkies (But the Twinkies like Me)” and “Taco-niquet”.

“Resident Evil 4: Afterlife” is allegedly hitting screens September 17, 2010. The criminally underrated Paul WS Anderson is hard at work on the screenplay. He started about twenty minutes ago, so give him, oh... about a half an hour more and it'll be ready. ZING! GOT YOU PWSA!

Do you know who Antonio Sabato Jr. is? He's an extremely good-looking Latino heartthrob who came to notoriety for playing such sexy roles as Jagger Cates on “General Hospital” and Dante Damiano on “The Bold and the Beautiful”. So, if you were a casting director, he'd be your logical first choice to play notorious serial killer Henry Lee Lucas, right? Apparently so, because he's starring as the titular real life monster in “Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas”, debuting on DVD from Lionsgate on September 1st. As odd as that may sound, at least now my Albert Fish biopic starring Lorenzo Lamas has a better shot than ever!

In Real People News:

It seems like the Earth is slowly becoming one big Sci-Fi Original Movie. Yesterday Eric ran a story about ants taking over the world and, today, it is being reported that the Japanese are breeding, ahem, “super-tuna”. In what sounds like, well, an Antonio Sabato Jr. flick, reportedly the super-tuna will be “will be stronger, more resistant to disease and taste better than the bluefin”. No word yet on how the Japanese plan to incorporate it into schoolgirl scat porn.

So while we celebrate our Independence Day here on our nice landlocked mainland, don't forget that North Korea— the dick Korea, if you will —has threatened to launch a missile in the general direction of Hawaii, possibly tomorrow. Even though we have defense systems in place, if you live in Hawaii, THOSE AREN'T FIREWORKS! RUN!!!

On this day in history:

1844: The last known pair of Great Auks, a penguin-like flightless bird from the Atlantic, were killed off on the coast of Iceland. Call me “The Great Santini” of the animal kingdom if you must, but if you can't handle a little being hunted to extinction, then you deserved to die out. Pussies.

Thanks for reading and, until next week, remember to keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars!