Concert Review: GWAR 2009
I realize that everything I am about to say sounds like unabashed nonsense. It probably is. Bear with me.
So, self-described undisputed kings of splatter-metal GWAR had come to the conclusion that being addicted to crack and living endlessly at the behest of manager Sleazy P. Martini was no life for a god. So, procuring a Scumdog spaceship, they played their last on Earth and headed to their old stomping ground in the stars.
As they careened away from Earth, the evil, nearly-omnipotent homogenizing force known as Cardinal Syn had finally made good on his promise to defeat GWAR (and all the Scumdogs) at all costs, an oath he swore some twenty years prior. He sent his minions to spread a virus on Earth that made people slaves to his very whims. Syn was then shocked to discover that his engineered proto-baby has been abducted by the Destructo brothers, a unit of Scumdog warriors still loyal to the Master. As their spaceship experienced horrible engine failures, Sawborg Destructo saw no other option than to team with GWAR to thwart Syn.
Themselves chased by agents of Syn, GWAR was finally approached by their one time rival but now strange bedfellow Sawborg, who informed the mighty Oderus that if Syn could not be stopped, GWAR would be doomed to an eternity of performing Christian rock. Not especially pleased with the possibility, GWAR flees back to their Scumdog homeland to find that all their old favorite bars and hangouts no longer exist, and their exalted old leader General Zog has fallen into a pit of drunken depression.
Enraged at this turn of events, GWAR slew their old leader, and then with nothing else to do, found Michael Jackson floating outside their spaceship, waiting to get a look at Syn’s engineered baby. GWAR was just as shocked to see him alive as anyone (especially since they had killed him themselves at least once,) but warily decided to let him enter. This would not end well for Jackson however; as he lost his face and a lot of blood in what Oderus would subsequently dub the “final performance of Michael Jackson.” Somehow in all this, GWAR managed to produce the antidote to the virus.
GWAR was at a loss as what to do. They had killed Syn’s baby, thus stopping his latest attempt to make the universe one bland whole. All of their enemies had been defeated. Their old leader and hero was disgraced and dead. Earth was a horrid cesspool of raving mutilated fans. It was then that Sawborg appeared again, to inform GWAR that nothing was over. Syn himself was still alive, and in a search for his baby that he didn’t know had been killed, Syn was headed for Earth. GWAR was not impressed. They had just gone through a lot of trouble to leave Earth, and what motivation did they have to go back? Without hesitation, Sawborg took the band aside and told them that Earth was the only place in the universe that had crack. With a rush and flair, the band was headed back to Earth to stop Syn.
It didn’t take them long to find him. Syn was rampaging about, angry at his loss, and angrier at who caused his defeat. Joined in battle, things began to look bleak, as Syn’s power was proving too much for the combined might of Sawborg and Oderus. Just as Syn was about to deliver the killing blow to the mighty singer and his companions, Bonesnapper the Cave Troll came out from the shadows to stab Syn straight through his heart. Entrails and blood of all colors rained in all directions, and with the well-timed help of Bonesnapper, Oderus and Sawborg ripped off the arms of Cardinal Syn and beat the giant with them until victory was theirs.
And that’s the show I saw the other night. Side note, this was GWAR’s 25th anniversary tour, so good for them, and keep it up. I’ll keep watching. Also, the ten minute pre-show “GWAR: Behind the Murder” is pretty funny. Musical highlights of the evening included “Metal Metal Land,” “Saddam-a-go-go,” “Womb With a View,” “Bring Back the Bomb,” “Have You Seen Me?” and “Sick of You.” There’s just something about this band, and whatever you want to call it, it’s awesome.