BGH Staff Picks Top 25 Horror Films of the Decade Part 4

With only two days till the big Top 25 reveal, a pair of BGH contributors stop by to state the cases for their top 5 and bottom 5 films. Tor brings a strong international flavor to the process with a unique top 5, while Louis leaves no rock unturned in pulling together a shocking, counter-intuitive top 5.

TOR HANSEN

Top 5

1. Suicide Club
Bloody fun that is as mysterious and layered as it is outlandish. The construction is amazing considering that it's ingredients include horror, teen drama, whodunnit and musical.

2. Irreversible
The most unsettling intersection of cinematic art and brutality that the young century has had to offer.

5. Let the Right One In
Achingly Beautiful. Please someone stop J.J. Abrams and Matt Reeves, now!

4. 28 Days Later ...
Game Changer. Is it going out on a limb to predict that this film not Slumdog will go down as Boyle's seminal film of the aughts?

5. In My Skin
Watching Marina De Van tear, cut, and chew off her own flesh was as uncomfortable as my theater going experiences got during the past 10 years. That the film came at the beginning of a decade where our obsessions and open critiques of peoples' physical appearance turned every local news anchor into a miniature Mr. Blackwell makes this film one for the timecapsule.

Bottom 5

1. House
Didactic Christian horror blows. I didn’t see another film all decade that made me love Satan as much as this one.

2. The Happening
As a viewer this felt like 90 minutes scrotum-stapling agony. I have no qualms about saying this is one of the worst films I have ever seen. I also want to know who REALLY directed “The Sixth Sense”.

3. House of 1000 Corpses
A lot of people love this odoriferous olio. To me, Zombie is the guy who crafts the door, lacquers the wood then forgets to bolt and oil the hinges. Somebody please introduce him to Joseph Campbell.

4. Blade Trinity
Okay we get it. Jessica Biel’s a sour ass and Ryan Reynolds loves his HGH, just stick to the covers of Maxim and Men’s Health and leave movies like this unmade. I feel bad even calling this 'horror.'

5. 28 Weeks Later
Why set a handsome table if your main course amounts to regurgitated monkey guts? Great actors, beautifully shot, fast, empty and poorly scripted. Felt like a two act movie.

LOUIS FOWLER

Top 5

1. Slither
Horror-comedy is probably the hardest sub-genre to get right: you gotta bring the laughs while still piling on the terror, making sure that one doesn't trump the other. It's a total thin-ass line, and it's one that James Gunn's "Slither" treads masterfully. It's a total shame this was a box office bomb...

2. The Mist
Frank Darabont's adaptation of the Stephen King novella is great old-school monster-movie horror and Hitchcockian, tight-space suspense spray-painted with a brilliantly nihilistic mean-streak running through the whole thing. The black and white version on the DVD is a true revelation!

3. Halloween II
I absolutely loved Rob Zombie's remake of the original HALLOWEEN, going as far as to say that it is light years better than the original. But even that couldn't prepare me for the visceral thrust of his sequel, H2. Universally derided, I loved it for its pure, anarchic punk spirit of absolutely shitting on all the pre-conceived notions of what the Michael Myers mythos should be. The greasy cries of fanboy derision was well worth the admission price alone.

4. Jason X
When you've exhausted all possible plot-lines, shoot your monster into space. I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but "Jason X" was not only a perfect and logical extension to the character, but was so awash in cartoony violence and gallows humor that I wish they had continued this story and pretty much plan on avoiding any Jason movie until he's back in space.

5. Frailty
Probably the most underrated, unappreciated horror movie of the aughts, a crazed Bill Paxton surprised the Hell out of me with this dark, Southern Gothic quasi-spiritual thriller that was wonderfully pro-God, especially in a time when He's constantly made to be the enemy. If you want to piss off horror-twats, make God your hero! Praise be!

Bottom 5

1. Cloverfield
The world's first emo-mumblecore monster movie! All that was missing is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel and a soundtrack by the Decemberists. A group of irritating hipsters and their shaky camera run around New York City, crying hysterically and talking about their feelings as a never-seen monster clomps around. I wonder if that monster was a giant lemming for all the other horror-cumstains to follow off the cliff...

2. Friday the 13th
Axe Bodyspray and Michael Bay present Jason Voorhees in his wildest, wackiest, and wettest adventure yet!

3. The Cook
I wrote a review of this so completely venomous that Eric refused to publish it on this site. I consider that a badge of honor! How bad is this pile of vapid afterbirth? If I were to bring my landmark lawsuit against independent horror filmmakers to court, this would be my exhibit number one. The judge would obviously see in my favor, outlawing the right of this type of free expression, possibly adding it into Homeland Security laws. As an added bonus, he would put the filmmakers to immediate death via lethal injection. But only in Texas.

4. Live Feed
I would like to say exactly how I felt about this movie, but director Ryan Nicholson will flame the shit out of me. I learned my lesson the hard way. Don't believe me? Need a second opinion? Just ask my fellow jerks over at Night of the Living Podcast! They'll back my shit up!

5. Blood and Chocolate
Finally, a movie about the two things that happens during a woman's period! Seriously though, this is how studios pandered to horror-chicks in "Nightmare Before Christmas" hoodies before "Twilight" came along and jizzed all over their faces.