True Blood 1.03 "Mine"

At one point in this episode, Sam, the lovelorn bar owner, tells a buddy of his that he wishes Buffy or Blade would come to town and shove some stakes up some vampire asses. I'm sure the writers thought they were being clever and underlining the fact that this is a different take on the vampire mythos, but all I could think was how much I agreed with Sam. Note to writers: pointing out how different your show is from other, more enjoyable, better done vampire stories is probably not a smart move. It certainly didn't help that, in the episode's second least subtle hint that Sam is some sort of weredog, the 'buddy' Sam is talking to is a border collie.

The show picks up from last week's cliffhanger of Sookie inadvertantly crashing a sexy vampire hissing party at Bill's place. It's a scene straight out of a softcore Skinemax erotic thriller that includes the charming line “Somebody needs to get down on mah johnson.”. Bill almost drinks from a glamour-ized boy toy belonging to one of the vampires but Sookie stops him after psychically learning that the human has Hepatitis D, a disease that affects vampires but not humans. Way to be a buzzkill, Sookie. The vamps head off to find other places to hiss and have kinky sex while Bill stays behind and assures her that he really is a good vampire and he was just acting like a prick so all of the other vampires won't laugh and call him names.

Sookie spends the rest of the show thinking about Bill and touching herself, but stopping before anything interesting happens. Sookie's not that kind of girl. Thankfully for HBO's Department of Boobs and Standards, her slutty co-worker Dawn very much is that kind of girl and she engages in a little icky 'foreplay rape' with Sookie's brother Jason until he's so tortured by the thought of her past tryst with a vampire that he can't get it up any more.

Evidently when you need something in Bon Temps, walking stereotype Lafeyette is the man who's got what you need, whether it's Vicodin, weed or anonymous gay sex for money. He convinces Jason that V-Juice (that's vampire blood for all you squares) is way better than Viagra but when Jason doesn't have the money Lafeyette comes up with a different manner of payment. Nothing too weird. Just videoing Jason dancing while wearing only his tightie whities and what appears to be a Laura Bush mask. Thank you True Blood.

Oh yeah, Sam and Tara totally do it and somebody killed Dawn. Yawn.

The Good
Maybe it's just a testament to how boring the other characters are but once again Jason gets the moment of the night when he begins casually flossing his teeth when Dawn points a gun at him and tells him to get out of her house

The Bad
Stephen Moyer's approach to playing a 173-year-old vampire from the South involves a combination of the Keanu Reeves acting method and never, ever, using contractions.

The Weird
- The episode's number one subtle-as-a-sledgehammer hint that Sam is a dog? He barks in his sleep.

John Shelton

Writer/Podcast Host/Professor

Born and raised in the back of a video store, Shelton went beyond the hills and crossed the seven seas as BGH's foreign correspondent before settling into a tenure hosting Sophisticult Cinema. He enjoys the finer things in life, including but not limited to breakfast tacos, vintage paperbacks and retired racing greyhounds.

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