I'll admit I got the tiniest bit excited when Lionsgate released the poster for the upcoming "Texas Chainsaw 3D" film. Highlighting many masks of dear old Leatherface, the poster contained a level of creativity along with gruesome imagery that's been eschewed in this time of photoshopped floating head movie posters. For the briefest of moments I found myself willing to cast aside my deeply embedded cynicism that the upcoming film,
which promotes itself as a continuation of Tobe Hooper's original (ignoring the sequels and Platinum Dunes rebooted series in the process) might have a little bit more going on than the standard cash grab found whenever a studio acquires a beloved property.
Then they posted the trailer.
At this stage it's difficult to muster up the prerequisite “old man shaking fist at clouds” rage needed to express by dissatisfaction for this trailer. What should I have expected? By now horror fans should resign themselves to their role of Charlie Brown to the studio's Lucy.
What does the trailer manage to get so wrong? Well let's count a few of the ways:
- Oh hey it's a group of “teens” who look like they wouldn't even acknowledge one another in the school halls, let alone gather up for a long distance trip across Texas, wander into an isolated location where things go horribly bloody and awry. Ground breaking stuff! An episode of Dora the Explorer holds more surprises in store than this threadbare premise.
- When the hell is this supposed to take place? If it's a direct continuation of the 1974 film shouldn't a set designer at least make the barest of attempts at a mid-70's window dressing? If the film skips ahead nearly forty years to present day, shouldn't Leatherface be closer to Grandpa when it comes to scooting around instead of looking like he should suit up and play free safety for the Patriots?
- Speaking of Leatherface, he's not supposed to be your hulking, Jason Voorhees-like slasher villain. What made the original character wasn't so much a beefy pissed off killer as he was a mentally handicapped adult with little comprehension with regards to the consequences of his actions. This was a guy that gave as much thought to sticking a woman on a meat hook as a six year old does to pulling the legs off of a Daddy Long Legs spider.
- It sure looks like Leatherface moved up in the world if he's moved from the chicken bone infested shack from the original and into a nice looking colonial with well kept antique furniture and not a speck of dust to be found anywhere. I also find the image of old 'Face bro-ing down on weekends with some locals over a few games of pool and some suds to be quite amusing.
- Where the hell is the rest of the family? Whatever you might think of the rest of the series (I love parts two and three)... at least the other films got that right.
- I believe the two minute and thirty one second spot features as much chainsaw action as all of the first film. For Christ's sake people it's not about the chainsaw, it's about a bunch of inbred cannibal hillbillies acting all kooky and bizarre that makes the first one work so well.
In short, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" looks like it has a hell of a lot more in common with the god awful Michael Bay produced series as opposed to a continuation of the original. Just another drab, overly produced, uninspired bag of terrible.