80's cheese

Growing up in the home video era, there are certain VHS boxes that are vividly emblazoned in my childhood memories. The weird Goatse mouth/skull thing that was the “Dead Alive” box. The creepy smiling monster that adorned “Critters”. The knife stuck into Jason’s hockey mask that was on the cover of “Friday the 13th”: The Final Chapter”. When I think of VHS horror, these are the images that come to mind, clear as day.

If you’re anything like me, after listening to the recent HorrorHound Weekend Episode, you probably went and scoured the Internet for a film called “Plankton”. Actually, I know you did, because there was a short wait to get the DVD from Netflix. Demonstrable evidence of something that I like to call the “BGH Bump”. Regardless of the reason why there was a wait, the allure of a movie that sounds so amazingly awful is hard to ignore. Truly awful yet entertaining films are hard to come by. And unfortunately, more often than not, promising bad movies wind up being simply bad.

Ok, so let's just get this out in the open: If you haven't already figured it out, I am a fan of truly awful 80's cheese. I mean I like some REALLY bad stuff. Like "Uninvited," a movie about a cute cuddly kitty who has a mean mutant kitty living in it's mouth that kills people. The movie is full of bad dialogue, bad acting, bad special effects and tons of cheese. It's the perfect movie to watch with a bunch of friends and a case (or three) of beer.

I’m pretty burned out on zombies. And that’s coming from a guy with a “Dawn of the Dead” poster in his living room that’s attempted to talk women up at a bar about their zombie apocalypse survival plans (Pro Tip: if a girl actually has a plan in mind, they’re a keeper).

A comet lands on Earth (or more specifically, L.A.) and turns the majority of the population into dust. It's up to two Valley Girl sisters, Regina and Samantha (Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney), to fight zombies, battle evil scientists that work for the government and save what's left of the world. If you like cheesy 80's sci-fi/horror comedies and you haven't seen this yet, then you must do so immediately.

Although I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this on a site filled with hardcore horror fanatics, Robert Scott's insanely cheesy 1987 zombie opus "The Video Dead" scared the living daylights out of me as a child. For whatever reason, this title has failed to find a home on DVD, though, for the time being, I'm quite content with the well-worn VHS copy I picked up for next to absolutely nothing at a local flea market last year. Still, it would be nice to have a copy that isn't accompanied by a hissing mono soundtrack and a handful of visually-distorted sequences. A guy can dream, right?