dark shadows

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get your hate machine's running! It's time to comment on the trailer for Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

It's creepy and it's kooky, and all together spooky, it's A..."Dark Shadows" movie. Not what I was expecting from the project at all. But I must admit; I kind of like this trailer. It could be entertaining, but if Tim Burton thinks this is the essence of the original show... he's high.

Oh yah, I'm biased; I love me some Helena Bonham Carter and I think she looks great in orange. I'm just going to get that out of the way here and now.

I'm not sure a logo is actually news but here's the new one for the "Evil Dead" reboot that will at least give people a chance to bitch about there being a reboot. The flick won't hit theaters till sometime in 2013 and if you're not in the know like I am the big twist on this update is that Ash, or whatever they're going to call him, is taking his sister to a cabin in the woods to help her kick her drug habit. That's going to make all the makeout scenes a lot weirder I bet.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. "True Blood" is the worst thing to ever happen to TV. Yeah yeah I know you think Snookie or whatever the hell her name is is hot but that doesn't change anything. So why do I still report on it you might ask? Well who the hell are you to question my selection of news items? Go to hell! Lucy Griffiths is joining the cast next year. She's British and will play Eric Northman's sister. Is that alright with you!?

Mr. Robert Englund has been confirmed for Syfy's next installment in the "Lake Placid" series currently titled "Lake Placid: The Final Chapter". If you couldn't have guessed by the title the good people at Syfy are saying this will be the last installment in the giant crock attack series. I assume there will be some sort of parade in Hollywood to celebrate all of this magic. Maybe a national day of mourning.

In other casting news, it looks like the walking corpse that is Alice Cooper has been cast in Tim Burton's big screen adaptation of the "Dark Shadows". Cooper will play himself in the flick which takes place in 1972. And I can't think of another good "he's really old" joke so just make up your own here.

If I had to list my favorite Afflecks in order of awesomeness Casey would for sure be in the top five. Think it over, I'll wait. Good, now that's your back I'd like to tell you about how Casey Affleck has now been cast in the new flick "Paradise Lost", an epic tale of archangels Michael and Lucifer battling it out and how this impacted the downfall of Adam and Eve. Affleck will play Gabriel and I'd appreciate it if someone who knows about bible stuff tells me if that's a good or a bad thing.

AMC has pulled the trigger on a new talk show that will air immediately following episodes of "The Walking Dead" this fall. The show will be called "The Talking Dead" (get it!?) and be hosted by comedian Chris Hardwick. The more projects this guy takes on the less hope I have for a "Love Line" reunion. Didn't you always want him and Jenny McCarthy to get together? But no that home wrecking tramp Carmen Electra had to come in and ruin it all. Curse you Electra!

Oh Tom Six, you sick sick SOB. Today we've got a new poster for his new film "The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" which looks to be a lot more human centipedey than the first one. Which I don't think is a good thing but it's something for sure. I don't know what to believe anymore.

And because you needed to see something that would make you want to overdose on some sort of cool drug the kids are doing that I don't know about here's the first full cast image from "Dark Shadows". For those of you not familiar with the original show it's some kind of vampire soap opera where none of the vampires twinkle in the sunlight. I think it was British too. That's a lot to take in isn't it? That's what she said.

Ever see that show on MTV "My Super Sweet 16"? Well if you have then you've probably also had the urge to get in your car, dive to these spoiled pricks home and end them. Well got bless Bobcat Goldthwait because he made a movie called "God Bless America" with just such a plot. What's better is said film has been picked up by Magnolia pictures and will be finding it's way to VOD in the near future. Yes, I watch a lot of crap on cable.

Rodrigo Cortés made everyone giddy last year when he put Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes and just let him talk. Well his follow up to that is "Red Lights" staring Robert De Niro as a famous psychic who returns to the spotlight after 30 years of being off the radar. Then he gets put in a box for an hour and we just bask in all his glory. Probably not. Check out the new trailer and see if I'm a giant liar. I love you.

If you were a big fan of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows" as a kid then I'm willing to bet you spent a lot of time along in your room talking to your privates. But now Tim Burton is making a movie about the tv show and it stars Johnny Depp so people will love it and you and your genitals can go out into the world with pride. Here, look at these new photos from the set. Everyone looks so pale. Pasty is going to be the new tan. I'm going to be famous!

If you haven't seen "A Serbian Film" well then consider yourself lucky. I'm not going to say why, but there are some things that no amount of soup in the eyes will wash away. I still wake up crying in the middle of the night sometimes. But good news for deviants and future sex offenders out there, it's getting a US release in selected theaters on May 17th in both it's R and NC-17 forms. In honor of this event a new red-band trailer and website have lunched for the movie. Both of which I refuse to view. You've been warned.

Chloe Moretz, who I've dubbed this generation's Macaulay Culkin, minus the coke habit and schizophrenia, has officially been added to the cast of the upcoming Tim Burton big screen adaptation of the vampire soap opera "Dark Shadows". The cast already includes the likes of Johnny Depp, Jackie Earle Haley, Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter. Just to be clear I have no idea if Culkin is a coke head or a schizophrenic but it would be awesome if he was.

I'm going to make a prediction here folks and if I'm wrong I will personally come to each and every one of your houses and open mouth kiss you as an apology. Here it is. "Shark Night 3D" will be the single greatest movie to ever appear on the silver screen. Put it in the books! If you doubt me then just take a gander at the new photo that's hit the tubes of the film. It's got a shark! What more do you need?! I think I've made my point.

Would you like to know what the second greatest movie of all time will be? So would I! But while we try to figure that out here's the trailer for "The Toolbox Murders 2" which I honestly think in no way ties to the first one. Of course I didn't see it. I saw the original one from 1978 though and there was a women in a bathtub getting dirty while listening to weird country music. So... that's something, right?

Oh boy! Tim Burton's new "Dark Shadows" movie just got a whole lot sexier because Jackie Earle Haley has been added to the cast. Johnny Depp will star in the film but no one will be watching him with that hunky Jackie prancing around the screen with his creepy get in my van smile. Bella Heathcote has also been added to the cast and much to my surprise is not a porn star.

Booo Paramount, boo! Apparently there's been a "Pet Cemetery" remake in the works for some time now but up until recently it wasn't getting much action. But now it looks like a script is almost done and a director search is moving forward. Matthew Greenberg, who wrote the script for King's "1408" as well is just about done with his new updated version of this sucker.

I don't know if this is suppose to be good news but Wes Craven says he isn't re-shooting scenes for "Scream 4" but actually adding pivotal scenes. So just to confirm, he watched his movie and didn't see scenes that he thought could be better or done different, no he saw scenes that were completely missing all together. I'm not good with math or words but honestly I think the re-shooting sounded better.

MTV has announced that their new series based on the 90's classic "Teen Wolf" will hit the air on June 5th. Based on everything I've heard about their latest show "Skins" I am fully expecting this one to feature full frontal nudity and partial if not full penetration. I'll consider anything less a complete failure.

Inspired by true events? Anthony Hopkins? Exorcism? Movie? These are all words you can read! There also words that describe the film "The Rite" which finally has a trailer. We're off to a good start today.

Patrick Alvarez, someone I have no idea about, has been tapped to direct "Girls", a movie about a girls slumber party gone terribly wrong. Apparently this is not a porn, which might explain the terribly wrong part. Or maybe that's just for me. At the very least there better we a tickle fight.

If you didn't see Duncan Jones' "Moon" then you missed out because it was awesome and it had zero Jake Gyllenhaal's. Unfortunately his follow up "Source Code" has one Jake Gyllenhaal but you should still give it a chance. Based on the new behind the scenes photos of the pic it might have a chance, if that jackass doesn't smile with the stupid goofy face of his.

Johnny Depp on the new Tim Burton film "Dark Shadows" which is based on the cult TV show, "it's gotten f**kin' good". That is all.

Tim Burton and super hunk Johnny Depp will finally begin filming the big screen version of "Dark Shadows" this April. For those of you not familiar with the original TV show it's kind of like "Soup" but not funny, with vampires and a lot of English accents. Of course I learned all this from a TV commercial selling the entire series on DVD so I could be off.

I've yet to figure out what a producer actually does but John Carpenter is apparently set to be the executive producer on Dennison Ramalho's new film "The Hell Within". Apparently the entire movie will be shot in Brazil so I'm starting to think old John John is just looking for a vacation.

What's next up on the remake list? "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things", the 1973 zombie flick which I'm 99% sure was shot on someone's home camera. Did they have home cameras back then? I have no clue, maybe that's a really good thing for back then. What a strange and wondrous world it must of been back in the 70's.

Oh boy, who's as excited as me for the second episode of "The Walking Dead"? No one, that's the answer, no one could possibly be as excited as I am. Anyway here's a sneak peek at the second episode, don't even try to pretend that you wet yourself like I did. That's Joe's thing!