wicker man

Horror Headlines: Friday July 17th, 2009 Part 2!

This has been the hardest news to write. Not because I have writer's block, but because my Gateway laptop is on it's last legs. About every ten-to-fifteen minutes of pounding away on it, out of nowhere it lets out a high-pitch squeal and shuts off—kinda like my wife. ZING!

But, seriously, I need a new laptop.

This Wednesday, the newest Harry Potter movie grossed over $50 million dollars. When I hear news like that, it makes me feel like not only are we not in an economic depression, but that we all lead comfortable enough lives to take a day off—a Wednesday, no less—and see a movie. Can't do that in, say, Iran, right?

David Arquette has confirmed that he and his pet shrew Courtney Cox are in Scream 4, no matter what pile of stank that writer Kevin Williamson turns in. I'm still holding out for Ready 2 Rumble 2 to be filmed in his backyard with the stars of the Juggalo Championship Wrestling Federation , which I just learned existed. Rowdy Roddy Piper is a member. I have no faith left in humanity. Or at least the wrestling part of humanity.

I'm a huge fan of the Nicolas Cage remake of The Wicker Man. Huge fan. I had a poster of it on my wall for the longest time. So, when I heard that they had started production on the sequel, I literally creamed my jeans. Just picture: all that cream, filling my jeans, pouring out of the legs and leaving a huge damp spot. But, that sweet jean creamery was short-lived, as, once I had read further in the story, I learned that they are quasi-sequelizing the original 1973 cult film starring Christopher Lee and Edward Woodward. The plot for the film, which has something to do with Christian musicians, sadly, does not include anything about Nick Cage coming back to the island in a beekeeper's outfit and a flamethrower, ready to kick some matriarchal ass. Unless it's the twist ending, in which case, BEST MOVIE EVER!

In Real People News: 

A huge blob of goo is floating down the Alaskan Coast at a leisurely pace. It's art imitating life, if you consider Creepshow 2 art. I do.

While we're all trying to outrun aquatic blobs in Alaska, nature continues to run amok in other parts of the world in only the most delicious of ways! First, in Spain, a tween girl caught a nine foot catfish. Them's a lot of tasty nuggets! Pass the tartar sauce! Meanwhile, in San Diego, monstrous giant flying squid are washing up on shore, bringing calamari prices to an all time low. If mutant lobsters would start appearing, I'm buying a ticket to San Diego and telling Red Lobster's Lobsterfest to screw off!

The Department of the Treasury is looking for a comedian to conduct “humor in the workplace” programs. I am currently working on my act, but so far, it's mostly about how different black dudes are from white guys. For example: “Black presidents be spendin' money on health care, but white presidents be spending money on missiles! Did I miss something? But you know who really loves spending...women! White or black, man, women be shoppin'! I'm like, bitch, I just passed a stimulus plan for $1 trillion dollars and you're buying $500 shoes? Bitch gonna die!”

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