Before you read today's news I should probably clarify that I am not into tall men or old dudes. Jessica Biel is good looking sure but there's something about her face that kind of throws me off. What can I say, I'm a hard man to please. Uncomfortable yet? Wait till you get to the part where I accuse you of being a jerk because I like "The Big Lebowski".
Get excited folks because there's a now video online with some hot behind the scenes action from the upcoming "Alien" prequel "Prometheus". Now get depressed because there's not one freakin alien to be seen in the clip. There is a lot of Ridley Scott though. So if you're into old guys this video will really do it for you. You should also check out "Cocoon". Tons of old guys in their bathing suits. I won't judge.
"Paranormal Activity 3" is headed to DVD on January 24th and today we've got a stockpile of features that are going to be included. I realize stockpile is not the right word but it sounds really cool so lets just go with it. Both the DVD and Blu-Ray will feature the theatrical and unrated versions of the film and the later will also give a gaggle of additional clips that didn't make it into the film. Alright that's not really much at all is it. This would be the worst stockpile ever imagined if it really was one.
I like Dennis Quaid but I have a tendency to mistake him for Jeff Bridges who I really like, mostly because he was in "The Big Lebowski" and that movie was awesome and I love it. I know I know I'm a hipster prick who references The Dude at least once a day. Well 'Eff you buddy I saw it in the theaters opening weekend so get off my back. Man you're such a jerk sometimes. Here's the trailer for "Beneath The Darkness", which stars Quaid as a local funeral home director with a dark secret. Wow it took us a while to get here didn't it?
And if you're into Jessica Biel, which I'm assuming everyone who isn't into old guys is, here's some new shots from her upcoming flick "The Tall Man". The film is about a small town haunted by the urban legend of a "Tall Man" who kidnaps children. So today we've had old guys, tall men and Jessica Biel. If my news didn't get you all hot and bothered there's a good chance you're already dead.
I love me the holidays! But if there's one thing that really irks me it's those giant inflatable lawn decorations that have become so popular in the last 5 years. I feel like everyone who has those thinks they've invented some amazing decoration for their front lawn that we're all suppose to look at in amazement when in reality they just went down to Target and paid 75 bucks for a giant Snow Globe with a Santa trapped inside.
I'm going to go on record as saying I am actually looking forward to seeing "The Darkest Hour". Yes it comes out on Christmas and there isn't a chance in hell I will see it until months after it comes out on DVD but that doesn't make me any less excited to see the teens trapped in Russia because of an alien invasion flick. Look at these new photos. Just look at em! Kids all running around in tank tops fighting aliens. Russia ain't so bad, man! Alright you got me, I'm still trying to hide the anger about these stupid lawn ornaments.
Color me confused but it looks like Darren Lynn Bousman's end of the world but Jesus is cool flick "11-11-11" if going to be getting a wide release on February 14, 2012. That's right the film specifically tied to the date 11/11/11 only got a limited release back in November so why the hell not shoot for Valentines Day in 2012. It's the perfect date movie for that special girl you want to break up with.
Check it son! The First poster for Ridley Scott's "Prometheus", the much anticipated prequel to his beloved "Alien" films. Yes there's no aliens to be seen in the poster but no one goes to see these movies for the aliens. That's a well known fact. People go to see the acting. And to see the girl who we say is hot but in the back of our minds secretly question if they were once a man in their skivvies. The aliens are really just a time filler.
I don't know what it is about Christopher Meloni but anytime I see him in a comedy I think he's awesome and anytime I'm flipping the channels and see him on "Law & Order" I want to punch him in the face. It's a crazy mixed up world, huh? But now he's been confirmed for season 5 of "True Blood" as a ye old vampire who controls the fate of our merry group of blood suckers. I'm thinking he's probably not going to be very funny in that role.
And if you needed more proof that everyone from New Zealand is going to hell here's a new billboard that's popped up in a few locations there showing the Virgin Mary holding a pregnancy test. Just in time for the holidays.
The world doesn't need another "Underworld" movie but according to recently polls the world does need partly nude Kate Backinsale. It just so happens that both of these collide in the giant werewolf vs vampire masterpiece that is "Underworld: Awakening" which has its first trailer ready for your viewing. Watch it and let us know if anything awakened. You sinner you.
Ridley Scott is confirming that he will direct and produce a new "Blade Runner" film in the not to distant future. Unfortunately that's about all the info that's been released on the project so no telling if the film will be a sequel, prequel or even a remake. Will Harrison Ford be in it? Will I see it 18 years after it's release date and wonder what the hell the big deal is like the original? Only time will tell.
I'm not going to lie, I like the way Carla Gugino is put together. Now that that's out in the open I'd like to tell you about "Hide", a new made for TV film she'll be staring in that sees her playing the role of Boston detective investigating a case of 6 women who turn up mummified. Will she have an accent? Oh I hope she has an accent!
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu has a name I couldn't begin to try an pronounce but he's directed a bunch of movies that smart people like so it's probably exciting news for anyone who reads the Wall Street Journal that he's signed on to direct a new bear attack movie set in 1823 titled "The Revenant". I can also not pronounce that title so this guy's 2 for 2 on me. I smell Oscar.
In Real People News:
It seems like common knowledge but apparently this Idaho woman doesn't know the unwritten rule of making sure the elderly person you're stealing prescription medicine from is senile enough to not remember anything. She must have been absent that day in school.
And here's a 22 year old from Maine who was arrested after he stole a man's credit card. How did they catch him? Well he called the credit card company to see what kind of credit limit he was working with. For god's sake you set up an online account if you want to do that crap. Everyone knows that.
Dermot Mulroney, of Dermot Mulroney fame, is the latest name to be attached to Chan-wook Park's new English language film "Stoker". The movie focuses on a young girl who is mourning the loss of her father and has to deal with a mysterious uncle. Mulroney will play the father. So he may only be in the movie for 10 minutes. Enjoy him while you can.
"The Darkest Hour" is a new film which follows 5 students trapped in Russia during an alien invasion, with sexy results. Alright I don't know about the sexy results part but I do know it's release date has already been pushed. Now before you go getting all worried I should point out that it's only been pushed two days to December 25th, presumably so it doesn't have to face off against "The Adventures of Tintin". So if it sucks they're not messing with Jesus's birthday. Bold move, Hollywood.
Watching porn online is nice and all but there's something really classy about putting in a DVD and watching it on a TV in all it's glory. I assume the same can be said about the web series "Mortal Kombat Legacy" as it will be coming to DVD and Blu-Ray on November 9th. Both versions are full of extra goodness and if you order it online you'll only have to put your pants on when you go get the mail. Or don't. I don't know what kind of agreement you have with your neighbors.
Ridley Scott and his brother Tony have both been confirmed by Activision to be creating exclusive content for their new online juggernaut "Call of Duty: Elite". Details of what they'll be coming up with aren't available yet but if I was a betting man I'd say some sort of storyline. I can't see either of them sitting down and coding or anything. But then again I don't know what kind of hobbies they have. I don't like to assume.
In Real People News:
If you're a women and you want to record yourself having sex with six men then by the power invested in me you deserve to do that. But when you start forcing your 6 year old daughter to hold the camera that's when you get on the express train to hell. You're telling me you found 6 guys to be on camera and you couldn't find one more to play director? Just sounds like laziness to me.
And here's a story about a man who accidentally shot his penis off with his girlfriend's pink gun. Because losing your junk isn't embarrassing enough, you need to do it with a pink pea shooter.
The 3-D craze has donned its leather jacket and pointed its motorcycle towards the ramp as Paramount Pictures has announced plans to make a new "Ring" movie, this time in 3-D. David Loucka has already been tapped to pen the script in what Paramount hopes is a reinvention of the franchise.
"Scream" scribe Kevin Williamson put to rest the rumors that Jamie Kennedy will be returning for "Scream IV". "We're not that universe where you can bring people back from the dead. That would be just a cheat." Good to see that there's still some integrity in Hollywood!
In a recent press junket for his latest feature "Robin Hood", director Ridley Scott let slip that the both of the upcoming "Alien" prequels will be released in 3D. If you're paying attention, you'll notice that I used the word 'both'. Scott also let it be known that he is planning on two prequels for the franchise.
"Machete" is no longer the only feature to spawn from the fake trailers shown in 2007's "Grindhouse". The next trailer to be stretched to full length will be "Hobo With a Shotgun" starring none other that Rutger Hauer.
Before I woke up to write this, I was having a dream that Prince and I were on the run from Leather face. Even more disturbing, I woke up with a boner. What do you think that means?
Ridley Scott, one of the most overrated directors of all time—yeah, I said it—has signed on to direct the prequel to “Alien”. The original movie made him famous and allowed him to direct such “classics” as “Legend” and “White Squall”. Even though writer Jon Spaihts is currently writing the screenplay, I've used my crystal ball, nicknamed “common sense”, and read the screenplay already: spaceship encounters the alien, alien gets into the ducts, the lights go out, the spaceship's inhabitants are offed one by one and a lone woman survivor takes him down. There, I saved you $10, two hours and countless wasted high hopes.
HBO's “True Blood”, or, as it really should be called, “Twilight for Adults”, has been renewed for a third season. That's at least six more weeks of shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies for the ladies!!!
Geez, it's been a while since we've heard anything from director Uwe Boll, hasn't it? Boll, one of the most underrated directors of all time, and better than Ridley Scott—yeah, I said it—has a new film in the works called “Rampage”, that looks like a deadly serious version of “Postal”, and we all know how much I loved “Postal”. Still, with Boll doing original material, doesn't it make you wistful for the good ol' days when he was just doing one video game adaptation after another? If there was ever a director to make a movie called “Minesweeper”, it would have been him.
In Real People News:
The robots have started their war against man, as witnessed in Sweden. The robot, used to lift heavy rocks, was inexplicably dressed as Yul Brenner in a cowboy outfit. That just seems like they are asking for trouble, if you ask me.
Google engineering “genius” Sasha Blair-Goldensohn was struck in the head by a rotting tree branch while strolling in Central Park, sending him into a coma. I looked up the term “dumb luck” on Google, and was immediately presented with a picture of two dragons screwing a muscle car. So thanks for all your work, Sasha!
According to a study by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, when you buy organic food, all you're doing is paying a higher price for the phrase “organic” . What the study failed to mention is that they're also paying for that smug sense of self-satisfaction as they are loading their eco-bags into their Prius. This, combined with the news that kombucha tea not only has no proven effects, but can also cause lead poisoning, and we'll have the Newell brothers back into women anyday now. Keep hope alive!
Thanks for joining me for this week's Fowler Friday! Until next week, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!!!
On this day in history:
1969: The San Francisco Chronicle, the Examiner, and the Vallejo Times-Herald receive nearly identical letters from the Zodiac Killer. Specific details are given about recent murder scenes, along with the demand that a "cipher" be printed on on the front page of the papers.
David R. Ellis to bring us "Humpty Dumpty". The new film by the "Final Destination 2" and "FD: Deathtrip 3D" director is about: "a half-human, half alien creature who embarks on a murderous rampage after his alien mother is abused by two rednecks in the deep South." Oh, it will also be in 3D, so there's that.
The rest of the episodes of "Harper's Island" will run on Saturdays at 9:00pm on CBS. They've all but given up on the show being a ratings success, but since the episodes were already produced they figured they should let it run out. Saturdays are typically filled with reruns for most networks anyways, so there's no real loss for them shifting to that night. Apparently the show was going to be canceled outright, but it was significant DVR ratings that saved it from the ax.