dexter

Horror Headlines: Wednesday October 5th, 2011

Trouble in Miami kids. It looks like Showtime and Michael C. Hall have yet to come to an agreement on a contract to extend Hall's run as "Dexter" two more seasons. Seems that Hall wants a shit load more money and Showtime only wants to give him a crap load. It's getting pretty heated. If an agreement can't be reached it looks like season 6, which premiered this past weekend could be the last.

The list of people who want nothing to do with "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" continues to grow with one Miss Blake Lively now passing on the leading role. Natalie Portman, Emma Stone and Mia Wasikowska have also given a big "aww hell no" to the role. I don't want to jinx it but this sounds like wonderful news for Monica Keena. It's only a matter of time before she gets offered the role.

A bunch of new stills have found their way onto writer/director Darren Bousman's twitter page for "The Barrens", a new flick that follows a family on a camping trip where they run into the Jersey Devil. Hunky "True Blood" star Stephen Moyer takes lead in this one along with Mia Kirshner, who I don't know but from her IMDB picture I assume is a ball buster. I mean that in the best way possible.

"The Lost Coast Tapes" is a new found footage flick that follows a group who encounter the one and only Bigfoot. The forest beast not the monster truck. Although that would be pretty cool if it was just a bunch of kids being chased around by a giant truck. Anyway this isn't that. It's about the big hairy guy from the beef jerky commercials. I think we've gone off topic though. Take a look at the new poster for the flick. It's got a guy impaled on a tree. Grave Digger would probably be scarier anyway.

In Real People News: 

It's Halloween time kids and that means all kinds of creative lawn decorations. Like this one in North Carolina of a fake body stuffed under a riding lawn mower. Of course people in North Carolina are pretty dumb so a bunch of people called 911 when they saw it and a big to do broke out. Silly hicks.

Good news, Canada! You can now legally dress up like a woman, watch Simpsons porn and have sex with a Cabbage Patch Doll hooked up to a vacuum cleaner without fear of legal persecution. Long live freedom!

Horror Headlines: Thursday, September 8th, 2011

About a week before season 5 ended Showtime started promoting season 6 of
"Dexter" but on October 6th we finally get some new action. In preparation of this event the Show people have released a brand spanking new promo clip and I'm not going to lie Mos Def and Colin Hanks have my sexy parts all a buzz with excitement. Not in a weird way. A completely natural way. Get your mind out of the gutter.

"Warm Bodies" is a book by Mr. Isaac Marion about a zombie in love with a living girl and it looks like good old John Malkovich has signed on to a play the role of the bad guy in the big screen adaptation. I've never read the book so that's all I got. Please note your bill does not include tip.

Oh you go to hell Hollywood. You go to hell and die! It looks like there's some rumblings in the valley that the next installment of the "Friday the 13th" series is being reworked to use found footage. Nothing's been confirmed yet and a script hasn't been sold so let's all hold hands and pray this doesn't happen. Why yes I do use moisturizer. Thank you for noticing.

I don't think anyone knows what to make of "The Thing" prequel yet but if the new clip that was just released is any indication it looks like the flick will be loaded with crappy jump scares. Well alright maybe some people know what to make of it. The rest of us are still trying to figure out how to watch a video on this stupid iPad. It's like a really expensive coaster.

In Real People News: 

Man it's been a while since we've seen a good "the devil made me do it" story and what better way to get back into the swing of things than with a guy who claims he attacked a cop with a spatula for that very reason. It really feels like all is right in the world again. Do you think they'll bring back "Deadwood" now?

And here's a man in Massachusetts who stabbed a kid with a pair of chopsticks.... yes he's Asian... you racist pricks.

Horror Headlines: Monday August 15th, 2011

If you liked "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" then get ready because it looks like the writers have a trilogy in mind. Or have always had in mind. How quickly they decided this after the film made a boat load of money no one knows but let's pretend it was always the plan. That makes it nicer.

It looks like the long awaited sequel to "The Wicker Man", the original not the Nic Cage masterpiece, titled "The Wicker Tree" will hit theaters in early 1012 thanks for the good people at Anchor Bay. The sequel tells the story of two newcomers who come to Scotland only to run into a strange group of religious fanatics. I hope they wear weird animal head dresses again.

Showtime is pushing the "Dexter" promos so much you'd almost think season 6 isn't still a month and a half away. But anyway there's a new poster for your peepers to view and it's crafty because it's got Dexter with a bunch of blood behind him. But wait, the blood looks like wings. You just mind f'ed me lonely designer who spent hours on this and 74 other posters only to have some jackass on a horror website mock it. I'm so sorry.

Good news America. It looks like Tom Six will be setting "The Human Centipede 3" in the good old U.S. of A. Wait, it gets better. According to Six the third installment will make the second look like a "Disney film". I love Disney films so I can't wait for the second, which will see a limited release in the states on October 7th. Disney films and America? I believe you have warmed your way into my heart Mr. Six.

In Real People News: 

I'm not sure what kind of standards Olympic skiers have to live up to in the US but I'm pretty sure urinating on an 11 year old on a flight is not considered appropriate. Unfortunately that's just what an 18 year old team member did on a red eye flight to NY the other day. But hey the swimmer guy smoked a lot of pot. That's worse, right?

If you've ever driven through Pennsylvania than you know those back woods hicks drive like mental patients. To drive home the point here's a lovely story about an Aunt who didn't think she could handle getting out of a tight parking spot. Her solution to the problem? Having her six year old niece give it a go. Sure, why not.

Horror Headlines: Friday July 1st, 2011

With so many people signing on to the zombie apocalypse film "World War Z" it's kind of nice to see Ed Harris and Matthew Fox both backing out of their roles in the movie. Ya know, cause seeing other people's misery makes me feel better about myself. Fox's departure is due to a scheduling conflict and as of now the reason Harris is out is uncertain but I bet it's because everyone on the set kept asking him what it was like to play Robocop. Till the day I die I will insist that was him.

Today we get a look at the first still to come from season 6 of "Dexter" which is currently filming down in Miami. In it you'll see Dexter doing some of his crime type work and looking all technical up in this piece. Plus he's holding something weird in a bag which I guess is some sort of spoiler but honestly I have no idea how. Good post, huh? I'm awesome at stuff.

Rod Serling, the guys who brought us "The Twilight Zone" along with countless other classics looks to be next in line to get the biopic treatment. Details are slim right now but Sterling's widow, Carol Serling, will be a producer on the film and "Wall Street" co-writer Stanley Weiser will pen the script. Pray they do it justice because the only thing more frightening then a group of angry nerds is a group of angry old nerds.

I am happy to report that the upcoming Daniel Craig flick "Dream House" has been slapped with an R rating by the MPAA. The movie focuses on a family that moves into a home only to discovers it was the setting for a brutal murder. I assume there's some sort of spooky happenings that take place shortly after the big move and hats off to the filmmakers for sacking up and throwing in some blood and maybe even some boobs. Keep your fingers crossed.

In Real People News: 

I usually avoid public pools because they are full of urine but here's another reason. A Massachusetts women was apparently floating dead in a local pool for 3 days before anyone noticed she was there. 3 days. Kids were probably playing on her, families were using her as some sort of floating coffee table and god only knows what was coming out of her during all this. I need to go shower in bleach.

And lastly in an ironic twist of fate, "To Catch a Predator" host Chris Hansen looks to have been caught cheating on his wife by way of a hidden camera sting, much like the ones he helped to set up on his show. Finally some vindication for all those creepy guys trying to pick up 12 years over the internet. Good for them.

Horror Headlines: Thursday June 23rd, 2011

"Watchmen" writer Alex Tse has been picked up by the fellas at Relativity Media to pen the long delayed remake of "The Crow". For those of you who weren't fortunate enough to be a part of the madness that was the original 1994 flick, it starred Brandon Lee as a man who comes back from the dead to avenge his and his fiancee's murder. Brandon Lee also died on the set... and the movie sucked... and it pretty much created Hot Topics. Can't wait.

John Lithgow and a bunch of apes. I've had dreams that start like this. But that's neither here nor there my friends because a new international trailer for "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" has hit the tubes and it's full of hot monkey on monkey action. The film focuses on apes that will eventually take over the planet in the distant future. I should apologize to those of you who may have been under the impression there was monkey porn in the trailer based on my comments. Sickos.

For those of you out there who were actually excited about David R. Ellis’ "Shark night 3D" I've got some bad news for the 7 of you. The shark attack camp out flick has been slapped with a PG-13 by the folks at the MPAA. Just so we're clear PG-13 means no nudity, minimal swearing and most importantly absolutely no fun whatsoever. Boo this man!

Looks like the Miami Metro Police is getting itself an intern in the form of Josh Cooke. Cookie (new nickname I've just decided to give him) will join the cast of "Dexter" for season 6 which is currently ramping up for production. Sir Cooks A Lot will play a new addition to the team and apparently become buddy buddy with creepy bald Asian, Masuka. I smell romance!

In Real People News: 

Colorado police are on the hunt for a man who has apparently been hiding inside the tank of a large portable toilet at an outside yoga festival. There's really nothing funny or sarcastic that could make this any weirder so let's just agree to never speak of it again. Moving along now.

If I was going to list the most frightening ways to die I'm pretty sure having a 300 pound man attack me with a battle ax would probably make the top 10. And here's a story about a man who was murdered in just such a way. Poor SOB.

Not Tonight Josephine: An Interview

Fresh from Tampa and trying to take over Florida one sweat-soaked gig at a time, Not Tonight Josephine is a band striving to make sure you know their name. Following the release of their full-length debut “All on the Horizon,” guitarist Adam Aungst talked with me about music, the band, and plenty of horror cinema.
You've consistently been named as one of the hottest bands in Tampa. What is the music scene there like? What kind of pulse does it have?
The music scene in Tampa has been more or less dubbed "the metal" scene. A lot of metal bands have made a small mark for themselves out of this area. So for us being a "radio alternative rock" band, we are very appreciative of being a buzz worthy band. And we hope to be a band that makes a mark out of Tampa.

Horror Headlines: Wednesday May 25th, 2011

"Let Me In" Wunder-Director Matt Reeves has signed on to tackle the Frankenstein flick "This Dark Endeavor" based on the book with the same name. The film is just the latest in a long line of Frankenstein based films to be announced which means 2012 could very much be the year of the reanimated dead. Neck bolts are going to be soooo hot, I can just feel it.

The latest name to be added to the cast of "Dexter" season 6 is none other than Edward James Olmos. Colin Hanks and Mos Def have already been signed on and I can only assume that the addition of Olmos means that Dexter will be moving to a rough inner city and Olmos will play a teacher who shows him the powers of math. That's not racist, he did it in "Stand and Deliver".

So many people have been added to the cast of "Hunger Games" that I have officially forgotten what the movie is even about and now that Lenny Kravitz is on board I just want to punch it right in the face. I'm kidding, it's about two areas that send children to battle each other. I'm not kidding about the punching in the face though, Lenny Kravitz is a prick.

If you're like me then you spend most of your time as a bachelor paying strange women to break into your home, tie you up and torture you for two hours. Well good news fellow deviants, the movie "Kidnapped" is everything you've dreamt of and more and there's a new trailer out for the film to prove it. Of course I don't believe there's any sort of safe word involved in this, so that could get sketchy.

In Real People News: 

A North Carolina man is under arrest after he walked into his local Salvation Army, took off his pants and sat down on a couch with all his goodness hanging out for the world to see. Of course the obvious question here is how much is the couch discounted now that it's all covered in creepy old man juices.

Must be open season for showing your genitals in North Carolina because here's another guy who was so pissed off that his local Bojangles ran out of fried chicken that he decided to whip his bits out and show the woman working at the drive-thru window. I have no idea how that solves the chicken problem but I like his enthusiasm.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 10th, 2011

Charlie Hunnam, who you might know from "Sons of Anarchy" AKA the only show still keeping me a man, has signed on to Guillermo del Toro's "Pacific Rim". The movie will be set in a future where giant monsters threaten to destroy the earth. Hunnam will most likely play some dreamy hunk who saves the day and I will most likely have to turn to my wife every time he's on screen and ask her what the hell she's looking at.

Speaking of men my wife would leave me for, Colin Hanks had signed on to the cast of season 6 of "Dexter". No word on what sort of role Hanks will play in the upcoming season that airs in October but if I'm a betting man I'd say he'll be the ying to Dexter's yang. No I don't understand what that means either.

Absolutely no one is excited about "Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation" but yet it's still being made and now there's trailers to prove it. Wait did you say you wanted to see Sarah Palin impersonations 3 years after they were relevant? No?! Well you're getting them anyway. God bless America.

The latest director's name to be tossed into the "Leatherface 3D" hat is John Luessenhop and from his IMDB page I can confirm he owns at least one awesome suit. The film will pick up directly where the original remake of the original (confused?) left off and then will jump ahead 35 years. That may or may not put them in the future. I'm awful with numbers.

In Real People News: 

A Tennessee women is under arrest after leaving her 8 year old son home alone. In her defense she did leave a movie on for the little bugger. Her big mistake though was picking a movie that was too short because once the film ended her son picked up the phone and dialed 911. Always put on "The Godfather" trilogy when you abandon your kids. I can't stress that enough.

A 16 year old cheerleader in Texas has been charged a $45,000 fine after she refused to cheer for the two students that allegedly raped her. She was kicked off the squad after she refused and her parents immediately filed a lawsuit against the school. The fine comes from the court that called the lawsuit frivolous and fined in favor of the school. So that's a nice story.

Horror Headlines: Monday May 9th, 2011

"Masks" is a heart warming little tale about an aspiring young actress who travels to Germany to be taught in a school that was once led by an insane instructor who killed himself after his techniques were banned. From what I can tell those techniques includes forcing people to scream after each other and then have an orgy while covered in blood. For your viewing pleasure a few images and a new trailer has hit the tubes and surprise surprise, it's bat shit insane.

"Yellowbrickroad" has absolutely nothing to do with "The Wizard of Oz" and most of all has no regard for spaces in between words. It does though sound pretty cool and the new trailer that's up looks pretty trippy. The movie focuses on a research group that uncovers a mysterious trail that an entire town went down and disappeared over 70 years ago. I hope there's munchkins at least. Those little fellas are adorable.

To say the last season of "Dexter" was kind of a bummer is putting it mildly but according to the new teaser for Season 6 all hell is going to break loose. The only reason I believe it is because they do a recap of previous seasons in the clip and don't even mention the storyline of season 5. It's like Julia Stiles never existed! It's like I haven't watched "Save the Last Dance" and cried like a baby every Christmas Eve for the last 10 years.

Lastly, tune in to tonight's "Attack of the Show" on G4 to see the brand spanking new trailer for "Final Destination 5". Or don't actually. I'm not going to lose any sleep either way. I can't keep tabs on all you sickos.

In Real People News: 

Spectators at an Australian horse racing track were injured last week after one of the horses went buck wild and leaped into the audience. I know it's awful isn't it. What makes it even worse is that I can't find a video of it happening anywhere.

Lastly some sad news. Dana Wynter, who played Becky Driscoll in the original 1956 version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" passed away last Thursday at the age of 79. She also guested on "Hart to Hart" and "Magnum, P.I." so there's a 75% chance I had a boyhood crush on her.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday December 14th, 2010

How the hell is there already a trailer for "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"? Did it just get announced a couple weeks ago? maybe I'm wrong. But anyway this one looks very promising my friends! There's 0 Orlando Bloom's and countless zombies. Johnny Depp's dreamy pools of seduction he calls eyes and... zombies. I smell a winner here.

Here's another shot of John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe in the upcoming film "The Raven". John looks legit but what is wrong with that freakin bird? It's got devil eyes! I don't trust that bird, it wants to snatch my soul and take it back to it's bird house and feed it to it's little devil bird chicks. We should move on.

With season 5 of "Dexter" in the books it's now time for Julia Stiles to look back and reflect on her season long run with everyone's favorite serial killer. For those of you who haven't watched the final episode yet don't worry, she doesn't spoil what happens.

If there is one thing you can say about porn stars it's that they are versatile. Case in point, one Miss Tori Black who plays a hooker down on her luck that gets more than she bargained for with a special client in the new straight to DVD flick "Half Moon". You see she's versatile because she... well she doesn't have to... well I can't imagine you see anything going into her... I don't know folks, if it aint broke don't fix it.

In Real People News: 

An inmate in California is demanding special meals in order to comply with his belief in the holiday of Festivus. This is awesome. I wonder if I can start asking for this on flights and demand that I get to wrestle the pilot.

You know how annoying it is when you're going through the drive-thru at a fast food joint and the guy working the speaker is being a real prick? Well here's a guy in Illinois who got fed up and tossed a dead squirrel through the window. Well played my friend.

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