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Horror Headlines: Wednesday July 6th, 2011

"Clone Wars" director Genndy Tartakovsky is set to take on the new animated family comedy "Hotel Transylvania" about a vacation resort run by the count himself. But wait, he's also a dad! Adam Sandler, who is somewhat tolerable, will play Dracula, Kevin James, who is not tolerable, will play Frankenstein and Fran Drescher who is just lovely will play his bride.

Speaking of Dracula, Asia Argento, who is Dario Argento's daughter and therefore bat shit insane, has posted a bunch of pictures on her twitter account from the set of "Dracula 3D". The film is a new retelling of the classic vampire story by said bat shit insane girl's father. And if the pictures bore you there's some other ones from her recent vacation to Colonial Williamsburg. I assume.

Dimension Films has picked up the rights to Kyle Kurpinski and Terry D. Johnson's sci-fi book "How to Defeat Your Own Clone" with the plans of adapting it for the big screen. The book, which is something of a handbook, is a comedic romp into the world of what to do when the machines rise up and try to destroy us all. Which I think was suppose to happen a few weeks ago. Little late with the advice, fellas.

A new poster for the upcoming Daniel Craig flick "Dream House" has hit the tubes and it's kind of bad ass. Mostly because it's got Daniel Craig in it and he could take all of us in a fight. Well I'm guessing he could. I don't know who's reading this. If The Rock is reading this I don't think he could take you. Also I'd like to hang out with you if that's possible.

In Real People News: 

I assume most 14 year old girls dream of waking up and finding a pony in their front lawn but here's a story about one who woke up to find a naked 34 year old man in her bed. I can't imagine any 14 year old girl dreams about that. If they do you should probably get them some help.

And here's a fun story about a Mexican prisoner who tried to smuggle himself out of prison by hiding in his girlfriend's suitcase. Yes there's a picture and yes it's adorable.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday May 17th, 2011

Richard Norton, and Australian actor you've probably never heard of but is frightening as hell, has signed on to play a number roles in the upcoming Mad Max film titled "Fury Road". Most notably he'll take on the Toecutter role, aka the main bad guy in the movie and this seems fitting because he looks like he eats puppies for fun.

They're still putting Michael Cera in movies? Super! Anywho! "Magic, Magic" has nothing to do with the card game virgins play (sorry Mark) and everything to do with a girl who starts to lose her mental faculties on a remote Chili island and not only stars Cera but Emily Browning, Juno Temple and Catalina Sandino Moreno. Three women who I assume are very nice but have names that sound like they would have ignored me in High School so in turn hate this movie and everyone in it.

Thomas Kretschmann, who's been in a bunch of movies I've never seen, has signed on to play the lead in the upcoming Dario Argento version of "Dracula". Of course seeing that this is an Argento flick god knows what the "lead role" means. I'd normally guess Dracula but for Argento the lead character could be a mule that has orgies with supermodels on the beach. Which, now that I see it typed out actually sounds like an awesome movie. Oh and it's going to be in 3D!

Looks like the apocalypse has come a few days early because "Monsters 2" has been announced. The sequel will follow 2 brothers as they find each other in a world filled with crappy CGI monsters that like to dry hump in front of gas stations (if you saw the first one you're wetting yourself right now). At the very least this will give me a reason to use the world "mumblecore" again.

In Real People News: 

Here's something new. A woman from Saudi Arabia is being charged with committing a hate crime against us American folks in Florida. The young lass apparently took out her anger about how American's are treating her people by spitting on people at the local Walmart. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be upset about this or not so I'm just going to say someone involved in this got what they deserved but I'm not saying who.

Didn't I just read about a woman doing this in Florida last week? Sounds familiar. Well here's a man in Florida who is being charged after exposing himself to students waiting at a school bus stop. What the hell is going on in Florida where people can't keep their clothes on around bus stops? Do I have to move there to find out? I'll do it!

Netflix Streaming Friday - "Suspiria"

Surprise, surprise, I'm writing about another Italian horror film. Seriously though, this is the one. Trust me.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday March 29th, 2011

"Pineapple Express" director David Gordon Green is plotting the much talked about remake of the Dario Argento wunderkind "Suspiria" as his next birthing. Green is excited to hop on the project but sees his retelling leaving behind the ballet theme for a girl's boarding school setting. And I am seeing this as more of a hardcore porn flick but truth be told if I was allowed to remake movies 99% of them would turn out that way.

Khalid Laith and Razane Jammal have both signed on to play roles in the upcoming Tobe Hooper flick "Djinn" which focuses on a couple who finds their luxury apartment is inhabited by some sort of demon type thing that plays tricks or something. I have no idea who either of these guys are but I would never admit that though because I'd be too afraid that it sounds racist. Oh boy, I've said too much. Really need to get that backspace key fixed.

Along with 37 other movies it sounds like mancrush Neil Marshall is also working on an alien invasion movie set during World War 2. That's about all the details that have been discussed on this one but I've always wanted to post something about Hitler getting some sort of anal probing so let's hope something along those lines makes it into the movie.

On the heels of the release date for "Piranha 3DD" being pushed to a November 23rd Joel Soisson has been brought in to produce the flick along with fixing the script. I have no idea how you could screw up a script that probably goes something like "girl takes off top, fish eats girl, repeat" but what the hell do I know. Maybe throw in a "nude girl swims with other nude girl to weird music". Wait that's been done? I'll never make it in this town.

In Real People News: 

What's the best way to solve an argument about a dog that keeps crapping in your yard? Gunfight! I'm not even sure why you had to ask. Of course I have no idea why the two Mississippi men were shooting at each other when the dog is the one doing the crapping.

2,500 rubber ducks have been stolen from an Illinois police station. The ducks were intended for a... wait a second wasn't Bloody Good Horror's own Mark in Illinois this past weekend? You suspect, son!

Horror Headlines: Tuesday February 22nd, 2011

Rutger Hauer has landed the role of vampire hunter Van Helsing in upcoming Dario Argento film "Dracula 3D". That combined with his role in "Hobo With a Shotgun" has made Hauer the hottest new item in Hollywood. You'll see him on the cover of Bop! and Tiger Beat next month. The girls are going gaga for him.

Rob Zombie recently sat down to discuss his next project titled "Lords of Salem" saying it's the "bleakest of all my films". He goes on to state that the "Blob" remake is no longer happening with him at least and that he won't be touching another remake for a while. Seems he's found there's no real winning with horror fans when it comes to remakes. Kind of makes us sounds like jerks, which is true but still it doesn't have to be said. I have feelings too, Rob!

Australia seems like a happy fun loving place with their Kangaroos and Vegemite but I'm here to tell you they're a bunch of sickos. Case in point is the trailer for the new flick "Bad Behavior" which has a kind of "Clockwork Orange" type vibe to it. Meaning if "Clockwork Orange" had a bald fat man vomiting blood on a women, which I'm 99% sure it didn't.

With its release being only a year away we're all getting really excited for "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters". Did I mention it's going to be in 3D? Anyway Ingrid Bolsø Berdal is the latest witch to be cast in the flick and I assume that means she will in fact be hunted. Of course she should be hunted in real life also, never trust anyone with one of those o's with a line in it in their name. 9 times out of 10 they're complete pricks.

In Real People News: 

A town in Australia (I told you they're nuts) has decided to kick out 22,000 grey headed flying foxes, aka giant freakin bats, from the national botanical gardens. Where the bats will go no one really knows but I hope it isn't into my apartment complex. We just got rid of our possum problem.

A family in Egypt has gone all out with their love for social networking by naming their newborn baby Facebook. This sounds adorable now but just thing of how pissed this kid would have been if he was born 10 years ago and was walking around named Friendster.

Horror Headlines: Tuesday October 19th, 2010

Here's a new one! The gang promoting "Paranormal Activity 2" have set up a phone number that you can call and listen to some spooky fun. Which is awesome because normally I have to pay $2.99 a minute to have a women fake being frightened for her life. Don't judge.

If you love "Glee", and who doesn't, then there's a solid chance you love "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". Well I have good news for you, kid who is overweight but still wears shirts two sizes to small! Ryan Murphy, the creator of "Glee" has just wrapped an entire episode devoted to the camp classic and is in talks to possibly do a remake. Good, I haven't been assaulted by a tranny coming out of a late night movie in years.

Adrien Brody has taken legal action to try an stop the release of the Dario Argento film "Giallo". Apparently Brody had never watched any of Argento's other films and when he picked up the script said out loud, "No way could this be a pile of crap, people love this guy. Sign me up!". You made your bed big nose, now lie in it with the weird Italian model who can barley speak English but for some reason plays the staring role.

In Real People News: 

A Mexico City borough recently created a 230-foot-long enchilada to warm it's way into my heart and the Guinness book of world records. I think this officially puts Mexico on the map as a world super power. I'm not sure what the criteria is to get into that group but it has to have something to do with making giant food.

On this day in history: 

1987 - The stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points, or 22.6 percent in value - its second biggest percentage drop.

Horror Headlines: Thursday September 30th, 2010

Another 3D poster is available for your mind to be blown by for "Saw 3D" and this one has me a little confused. Are they saying that Jigsaw/John is some sort of Mega-Robot that's going to destroy us all? Man what an awesome twist that would be.

There's a new English sub-titled trailer for "Troll Hunter" available and I couldn't be more excited about it. Truth be told I didn't know the other trailers weren't in English but sometimes I get so excited about Trolls I black out. It happens.

There's a new trailer/interview with Dario Argento for his upcoming "Dracula 3D" out on the tubes. The thing kind of looks like his home videos from his summer trip to some spooky castles and by all accounts that may actually be true. I wonder if he hits Disneyworld, I'd love to see him on It's a Small World.

In Real People News: 

It's like I'm looking into my future. A 3 year old's birthday party ended abruptly recently when a beer soaked brawl broke out. God I can't wait to ruin my kid's memories like this someday.

On this day in history: 

1993 - A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck southern India, killing an estimated 10,000 people.

Deep Red (REVIEW)

Ethics and movie reviewing can be uneasy bedfellows. I think this is mostly because we all start developing tastes well before we start in depth critical thinking about the construction and overall effectiveness of the films we watch. And though all of us may try to fall back on some techniques of objective critique, it can be difficult to apply what you know about film theory to a film like John Mikl Thor's “Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare”. That said we all have some thumbnail idea about what makes a film worthy and rules that help us to determine that.

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (REVIEW)

A young girl enters an old Roman apartment building in the middle of the night. The lobby is empty and the elevator is broken. She starts cautiously up the stairs and the lights go out. She continues onward with only the glow from her cigarette lighter to guide her through the darkness. At the top of the stairs a killer lies in wait… Not the most original sounding set up for a kill sequence. However, any material in the hands of Dario Argento is bound to come out sideways, backwards or upside down and it will inevitably be much more interesting than a simple synopsis would suggest.

Argento's "Giallo" Has a Trailer

Here's the official English language trailer for Dario Argento's "Giallo". The film, written by Jim Agnew and Sean Keller, is an homage to the subgenre which it takes its name from, and stars Elsa Patakay and Oscar winner Adrienne Brody.

This is Argento's first film since "Mother of Tears", a curiously awful movie that has made me wonder if Argento hasn't completely lost the magic he once had as a horror director. I'm not sure this trailer has my hopes up, but maybe that's the way to go into Argento films from now on. Keep the expectations low and hope he returns to form.

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