Louis Fowler's blog

PSYCHO KICKBOXER
Starring Curtis Bush, Rod Suiter, Kim Reynolds
Directed by Mardy South
Shock-O-Rama Cinema
Review by Louis Fowler

With some films, all you need is a title and you’ll know whether or not it’s going to be worth your entertainment dollar. This is something porno has learned. Sure, EDWARD PENISHANDS is a funny title, but ALL BLACK ASS-2-MOUTH CUM-DRINKERS #24 actually says so much more. It let's me know that if I take a chance on this title, that yes, I will be getting ass-to-mouth cum-drinking action, featuring a bevy of foxy black ladies. All I know about EDWARD PENISHANDS is that maybe some dude has got some penises on his hands. It says nothing about it's ass-to-mouth quotient.

Such is the case with the wonderfully titled PSYCHO KICKBOXER. That name right there says it all. Say it with me: PSYCHO KICKBOXER. That name right there says it all. I know I'll be getting some kickboxing, possibly from a man with a psychopathic mental disorder. And that's all I want.

Five-time world kickboxing champ Curtis Bush, who I have never heard of, is Alex, the titular kickboxing psycho. He remarkably looks like Freddie Mercury and dresses like he just got off the set of a Color Me Badd video—Cross Colours represent, yo!

Alex has a great life: he’s got a sweet, loving fiancée and great beach-front property, and, to prove both to you, he makes love to her right there on the terrace—which is awesome, because it's obvious that Bush, who wrote the screenplay, wrote that scene to get some sweet extra lovin'. (Hey, I'd do the same thing—would you like to read my screenplay to LOUIS AND SALMA HAYEK GET IT ON?) And let's not forget his dad, who happens the be the police chief, and who happens to be getting ready to take down the city's most feared crime lord. Nothing bad could happen, right?

SPOILER ALERT: wrong! The whole gang is kidnapped right in front of the Hot Tuna Bar and Grill. (Say so long to that good review in Zagat's!) They are then taken to a warehouse and pops and the fiancée are promptly murdered in front of Alex’s eyes. Now, if this were to happen to any of us, we'd probably have a psychotic break. We'd go “psycho”, if you will.

Beaten and left for dead, Alex is found by a black wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet who is like Mr. Miyagi, only sassy! Oh no he didn't! This poverty level Yaphet Kotto trains Alex in the ancient art of, um, jump rope, and pretty soon, the fire of revenge is suitably stoked in Alex’s heart. He dons an outfit that strikes fear into the hearts of criminals—a ninja costume from Spencer’s. Imagine if Batman saw a hot pink neon Playboy sign fly through his window instead of a bat.

Alex prowls the streets looking for danger, which is usually in the form of a numchuck-wielding minority wearing a red banana that seemed to be the ultimate vision of bad-dudery in the early eighties. The media—AKA two wacky Zoo Crew guys from a local radio station—immediately dub him, fittingly, the Dark Angel, not to be confused with the atrocious Jessica Alba show of the same name, but oh how I wish it was!

When the Dark Angel finally catches up to the crime lord, he’s forced to fight to the death against the numerous mulleted fat white guys that comprise said crime lord's “evil” army, all to the tune of a catchy keyboard tune that I'm sure was made with pre-programmed beats from a Casio—press E34 for the samba rhythm!

Needless to say, this movie is totally fucking awesome.

Yes, the acting is atrocious, and the dialog even worse, so of course it makes for a wholly entertaining film. Re-released as part of Shock-O-Rama’s ongoing commitment to make sure that the lost low-budget classics of the 90s straight-to-video video boom are never forgotten—they should really get an award of some sort—PSYCHO KICKBOXER is a goofy b-movie that, true to the title, doesn’t skimp on either the psychotic behavior or the kickboxing.

Although a little ass-to-mouth couldn't have hurt.

Friends don't let friends watch Nick Cage movies.

STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER
Starring Casper Van Dien, Jolene Blalock, Amanda Donohoe
Directed by Ed Neumeier
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Even though I was a huge fan of the original STARSHIP TROOPERS, I never saw the first direct-to-video sequel, mostly because of the lack of Casper Van Dien. Sorry, but if even Van Dien (AKA the greatest straight-to-video actor of our time) passes on a script, chances are its not worth wasting your time on—am I right MEGGIDO: OMEGA CODE 2?

This is gratefully rectified with MARAUDER, the latest in the ST franchise, with Van Dien thankfully returning as square-jawed super-soldier Johnny Rico, continuing his never-ending battle against the giant bugs of the planet Klendathu. And, like the original, the world this flick takes place in is a pro-war future where fascism wonderfully reigns supreme, anti-war dissenters are rightfully hung and the battle never ends. Some would say that these films use a fictional war to criticize, “satirically”, I’m guessing, America’s so-called blinding patriotism against an enemy and how the government uses propaganda to rile the masses up—or some such shit

But c’mon, Mr. Verhoeven: in spite of all that, you know what’s really up—we just want to see giant CGI bugs blown to bits, with buckets of green goo and guts splattered all over a wary mobile infantry soldier’s helmet. Humans vs. bugs will always be entertaining, no matter how you slice it, or them, up. For the most part, MARAUDER does deliver in that respect, give or take a woefully boring middle thirty minutes or so that is more talky than a whole weekend of C-Span’s Book TV.

We now find the war has moved to the farming planet of Roku San and its there where we’re introduced to two new warrior bugs: grapefruit-sized roly-polys that act as grenades and a scorpion-type beast whose tail emits plasma blasts. Good for them! TROOPERS newbie Lola Beck (the plastic monstrosity that is fanboy jizz-jar Jolene Blalock) and a sky marshal/future patriotic singer crash land after being attacked by one of these blasts, so a court-marshaled Rico leads a platoon of new soldiers armed with super mechanized Japanese-wannabe exo-suits called “Marauders”, natch, which is awesome, but only takes place in the last five minutes of the whole movie. Maybe this should have been called STARSHIP TROOPER 3: THE INTRODUCTION OF THE MARAUDERS?

Half-way through, the anti-war message takes a bizarre turn, displaying a strange (for violent sci-fi) extreme pro-Christianity message where a belief in God helps overcome our otherworldly enemies, most notably a super-huge Lovecraftian bug-god that possesses humans with tentacles! It’s why I recite the Lord’s Prayer everyday myself and look at me: no super-huge Lovecraftian bug-gods possessing me anytime soon (although it doesn’t seem to stop these damn mosquitoes). Where did this message come from? With the exception of the very ending when the government embraces the formerly hated idea of religion, it is actually an extremely heartfelt and sincere message, with no “satire” in sight. Where did this come from?

Yes, it’s well-directed and, CGI forgiven, has great production values, but what’s honestly astounding is that it is the ultimate movie for the Bush administration, and I don’t mean that as an insult. You’ve got Jesus. You’ve got planet-decimating Q-bombs. You’ve got a patriotic theme song called “It’s a Good Day to Die”, that I hope is soon covered by Toby Keith. And best of all, you’ve got the hanging of dirty, hippie war dissenters. I can’t wait for this future to get here! Hand me a plasma rifle, ‘cause I am down with the Federation! Four more years of W!

STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER has its fair share of problems, but, on the strength of Van Dien’s muscular, supple shoulders, it manages to provide a mostly entertaining 105 minutes and, I guess, is a worthy successor to the original’s throne. And, now that I think about it, possibly God’s. Could we be seeing more Christian, straight-to-video franchise sci-fi in the future? I’ll polish up my screenplay for CREATIONISTS ON THE PLANET OF THE APES just in case!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Can't you just feel it???

So the above artwork, obviously a play on the FRIDAY THE 13th teaser, has been appearing mysteriously in the comments sections of many blogs. Is it fan-art? Probably? Is it another example of the under-the-radar viral marketing that TDK did in spades? Either way, it's extremely cool, and I'd love to have it hanging on my wall. Thoughts?

BIRDS OF PREY: THE COMPLETE SERIES
Starring Dina Meyer, Ashley Scott, Rachel Skarsten
Warner Bros. Home Entertainment
Review by Louis Fowler

OK. So I am dying to see THE DARK KNIGHT. Like, really dying. Cancer dying. And yes, normally I’d be there the first day, first in line. That’s how much I not only love comic book movies, but just movies in general. I am a total loser like that.

But I just couldn’t do it with THE DARK KNIGHT. As much as it kills me, I just couldn’t deal with all the idiots in Joker make-up who, without a doubt, are gonna be screaming and hollering throughout the whole damn thing, unable to keep their irritating fanboy B.S. in check. It’s the same reason why I avoid Tarantino movies the first week. So, instead of trying to watch the movie and dealing with the wannabe Clown Princes of Douchebaggery, I’m going Monday evening. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be okay. (NOTE: I did go last night. It was fucking awesome.)

So, in order to satiate my immediate need for Bat-product, I picked up BIRDS OF PREY. Released just in time to coincide with the latest Batman adventure (funny how that works!), BIRDS was a short-lived, hour-long show on the WB that was meant to be the next SMALLVILLE, but was canceled after only 14 episodes. It was very loosely based on the DC Comic of the same name, which, to be fair, I have only read a couple of issues of, concluding that it’s really nothing special. Kinda like this TV series.

Taking place in what I think is the near future, after Gotham was destroyed by an earthquake and subsequently rebuilt, Batman apparently grew a Bat-gina and left the city he vowed to protect in tears when his FWB Catwoman was murdered. The streets are now patrolled by Batman and Catwoman’s daughter, the snazzy and snappy Huntress, the typical BUST magazine “tuff girl” who kicks ass and doesn’t smear her lipstick doing it. And, of course, she has daddy issues. She’s Tori Amos as a superhero. Great. At least she’s not a cutter.

Watching it all from her tech-laden lair is former Batgirl Barbara Gordon, who has been paralyzed by a bullet from the Joker, recalling the one-shot THE KILLING JOKE. She does little but look at computer screens, scold the Huntress via ear-comm and roll around in her super-futuristic wheelchair that might as well be called the Rascal 3000. On the plus side, she’s played by Dina Meyer.

To complete this super-heroine trinity is the continuity skewering Dinah Redmond, AKA Dinah Lance. She’s a teenage “metahuman” runaway who, it turns out, is the Black Canary’s daughter, but instead of a “canary cry”, she just plain cries. And she has telekinesis, but that’s beside the point.

Like the first season of SMALLVILLE—a show which I actually enjoy quite a bit—BIRDS OF PREY strays far from the comics; instead of introducing villains that might actually have garnered ratings, they do the whole “freak of the week” thing instead, with faceless nobody baddies wreaking low-budget havoc, mostly with bad CGI powers. In later episodes—the best ones, actually—b-listers like Lady Shiva and Clayface show up, but it’s too little, too late. In addition, throughout the series, Joker-lover Harley Quinn, um, I mean “Dr. Harleen Quinzel”, played by a very non-descript Mia Sara (replacing former TWIN PEAKS hottie Sherilyn Fenn, who was the good doctor in the unaired pilot, included as a special feature) is given a few minutes an episode. For what, I don’t know.

To be honest, I really don’t have a problem with any of this. I can understand what the WB was trying to do with the series and, for the most part, it is extremely admirable. Like I said earlier, the first season of SMALLVILLE was quite bad, but it was given another and eventually found its footing. Sure, you still had to deal with Kristen Kreuk’s extremely irritating lip-quivering histrionics, but it got into a flow and became pretty much what you want out of a Superman origin series.

BIRDS OF PREY never got that chance, and while we can speculate on what could have been, it’s too bad that all we have are these fourteen episodes, with writing that ranges from piss-poor to moderately entertaining. When the action gets going, the series is really at its best, but for most of many an episode, we’re forced to deal with the “feelings” of these super-chicks. They tear-up on command, they “will they, won’t they” crush on guys, and, when the going gets tough, they scowl. Grrrrr!

I bought this because I am a completeist and really, those are the only people who should. It’s worth a rental merely as an object of curiosity, but as a piece of DC Comics live-actionalia, it ranks right up there with CATWOMAN, which, to show how much of a geek I am, I saw the first day, first in line. And you know, if they make a BIRDS OF PREY movie, I’ll probably do the same.

Here's the first promo pic for the next Rob Zombie film Tyrannosaurus Rex! Goddamn, does this look badass! Am I the only one who'd like a poster of this?

I wish I had a family that loved me this much. :(

When in India...Fair and Handsome!!!

I am ready to believe in him...are you?