John Shelton's blog

James Gunn asks "How many times have you been watching a great porn film - you're really enjoying the story, the acting, the cinematography - when, all of the sudden, they ruin everything with PEOPLE HAVING SEX?"

If you feel like James Gunn has read your mind, you're in luck. He's just released the first episode of his new series "PG Porn", starring real life porn star Aria Giovanni and real life spaceship pilot/singing superhero Nathan Fillion. Keep this up and we'll forget all about those Scooby Doo movies.

Nailing Your Wife

Super Special Bonus SFW But Not Really Porn

Some of you might have already seen this but it's far too mind-meltingly awesome not to post here. Technically SFW, but... I think it really depends on where you work and how good you are at stifling your laughter so as not to attract a crowd.

Diesel's SFW XXX Party Clip - Watch more free videos

This is the latest entry in the always exciting Final Girl Film Club. Click the link to see what all the other cuckoo nutsos are saying.

William Castle never met a gimmick he didn't like. His most famous stunts involved flying inflatable skeletons, fake life insurance policies and giant joy buzzers wired to cinema seats. With his 1964 film Strait-Jacket, he kept all the gimmicks on-screen in the form of taking two of the hottest trends in horror films at the time and fusing them together into one goofy, campy, over-the-top mess.

For Strait-Jacket, Castle took the whodunnit proto-slasher style of Psycho (even going so far as to recruit Psycho author Robert Bloch to write the screenplay) and mashed it up with the then-popular “crazy old bag” micro-genre that's best typified by early 60's thrillers like What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? or Hush... Hush Sweet Charlotte. The film follows Carol Harbin, a young woman who, as a child, witnessed her mother chop up her father and his lover with an axe. After twenty years in an asylum the mother (played by Joan Crawford) comes to live on her brother's farm with Carol. Carol encourages her mother to pick up her life where she left off, outfitting her in a wig and the kind of clothes she wore before her murderous rampage. As Lucy begins to revert to her old ways she is haunted by images and sounds that lead us to believe that she might have not quite been ready to leave the mental institute. Eventually the axe comes out and people begin losing their heads...

Strait-Jacket is a fun little bit of mid-60s camp. It has a twist ending that's not too hard to spot coming but is still good fun in an EC Comics kind of way. Joan Crawford is completely batty and overdramatic and when you put a wig on her head and an axe in her hands, she makes a pretty iconic horror character. When it's all said and done, though, my favorite part of the movie was the Columbia Pictures logo at the end.

That's pure genius my friends.

There are two things on Dexter's mind this week: finding Freebo and becoming a father. Finding Freebo, the dealer wannagee he intended to kill last week, involves staying one step ahead of the rest of the department using the only lead he's got: the corpse of Freebo's junkie girlfriend Teegan whose identity only he knows. He tracks her down to a sorority house where he gets the address of her off-campus “ho-pad” from some aspiring Girls Gone Wild. Incredibly, in the ho-pad he finds Freebo himself, naked in front of a computer. Not wanting a repeat of last time, Dex heads home to gather his supplies and set up a kill room where he is surprised by Rita, telling him that she wants to keep the baby.

Becoming a father is something Dexter is a little less sure about. He sees children as “bundles of uncertainty and germs” but even a serial killer has to admit that sometimes they can be cute. He still dhas to wonder what kind of father he would be and perhaps more pointedly, what kind of child he would produce. Rita gives him a possible way out in telling him that he can choose how much of a role, if any, he wants to play in the child's life. Judging by his conflicting emotions throughout the episode, it's a safe bet that we're going to see at least a bit of daddy Dexter. Which brings me to my one uncertainty about the future of the show.

In Season One, Dexter made it clear that his normal life was entirely a mask. He was an emotionless psychopath who was compelled to kill, and the only reason he killed “ethically” was due to Harry's Code. All of his personal relationships and normal human interactions were faked. Last season he went through a lot of changes and it seems like Season Three Dexter is a fairly normal guy who just likes to kill a bad guy every now and then. It's like somehow in rejecting the code he developed real emotions. It's too early to make any assumptions about how all of this is going to play out but I really don't want to see a neutered Dexter. One of the strengths of the show is that he's such a likable character that you forget that he is (or at least was) a psycho who only understands the difference between right and wrong on an intellectual level and would be quite capable of slitting your throat without the slightest tinge of remorse. If we only get good guy Dexter without any moments that make us feel guilty for rooting for him then he's really just a vigilante and a much less interesting character.

Speaking of less interesting characters, all the supporting cast did stuff. None of it was very important or noteworthy except for Debra learning Teegan's identity and refusing to take up scrapbooking, whatever that is. The episode ends with a suspiciously coincidental turn of events in which Miguel shows up at the ho-pad just after Dexter has stuck a knife in Freebo's neck. Dexter tells Miguel he killed Freebo in self-defense (by essentially describing how he killed Oscar) and Miguel is so touched he gives Dexter a big bloody hug and declares them BFFs forever. Can Dexter avoid being discovered now that someone knows his dark secret? Isn't this basically the same storyline as last season? Stay tuned to find out.

According to the movies, being a fan of the genre is the second best way to survive an attack by any horror movie monster (the best way, natch, is to be a virginal high school girl with lots of slutty, druggy friends). You can put those hard-earned skills to the test with The Outbreak, an interactive choose-your-own-adventure style movie made by design firm SilkTricky, who prominently feature clips from Shogun Assassin on their website, making them okay in my book.

It took me more tries than I'd like to admit to make it through unscathed. I blame the POV character for not following Zombie Killin' Rule Number One: aim for the head, duh.

On this week's episode of “True Blood”, Sookie and Bill have a romantic encounter where Bill mythbusts more vampire lore and Sookie is torn between the desires of her aching loins and the cold glare of her purity ring, Jason has sex with an anonymous woman while fantasizing about being butt raped by a vampire and Lafeyette calls somebody “honeychile”. I'm assuming. Yes folks, now that there's a good horror-themed show on Sunday nights I'm ditching “True Blood” like a preemie at a prom to cover the most lovable serial killer on pay cable, “Dexter”. Don't worry, “True Blood” fans those of you who use the recaps to justify not watching the show- I'll still be watching and I'll check in every few weeks to let you know what's going on in Bon Temps. Maybe it's just the habits of a lifetime of watching bad movies but I just can't quit you, “True Blood”. Not yet anyway.

So “Dexter”, how you been? Last season saw our anti-hero come dangerously close to being exposed by Doakes as the Bay Harbor Butcher, but with a little luck and a little intervention by his crazy-ass girlfriend Lila, Doakes was killed and posthumously framed as the Butcher. Dexter snipped the loose ends by taking out Lila in Paris, and even got back with his more stable but still slightly loopy ex, Rita. As we open Season 3, in Dexter's own words, “life is good”.

Of course, even a show about a serial killer with a code of ethics would get boring if everybody ran around happy all day. Dexter's tumble into shit creek begins with his latest planned victim, a drug-dealing scumbag called “Freebo”. The plastic is hung in the killing room with care in the hopes that Dexter soon will be bringing Freebo there. Alas, Dexter's plan goes fubar when he shows up at Freebo's house and finds him in a tussle with a mysterious assailant. Dexter gets caught up in the fight and by the end he's killed somebody, but it's not Freebo.

Dex struggles with the implications of possibly killing an innocent for the first time. It turns out the stiff is Oscar Prado, a local youth leader whose big brothers are the sheriff and a hot-shot prosecutor (ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jimmy Smits!). To make matters worse, Miguel, the prosecutor, has a romantic past with Lt. Maria. Miguel confronts Dexter for digging into his brother's past and ends up confiding in him, even insisting that he come to the wake. It's not all “Oops, I killed the wrong guy” for Dexter, though. It turns out there's a strong possibility that Oscar might have actually been “a fucking junkie” as Debra guilelessly blurts out in the office just as Miguel and Maria walk up behind her.

Oh, Debra. Dex's sister has given up “men, booze and cigarettes” (but not the potty mouth, thankfully) and has herself a cute new haircut that everybody (even Masuka) notices but Dexter. She's still trying to make detective and has a possible path offered to her by Internal Affairs officer Yuki Amado, who is asking Debra to keep an eye on Quinn, a new cop in the division.

So far it looks like season three, in a possible attempt to draw in new viewers, has hit the reset button and we'll see a fresh start for Dexter. Hopefully, we won't see a rehashing of past seasons (“Will Dexter finally be exposed as a serial killer?”) and the show will go in a new and different direction. One strong indication that it will came in the last minute shocker of this episode. Rita's pregnant! How will raising a little American psycho of his own affect Dexter? I'm picturing stuffed animals with their necks cleanly severed, stuffing neatly piled up nearby. How adorable.

Not content with simply exploring the comedic potential of greenscreens, the mentally ill and gravy-robbing, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim are now focusing their unique skills on music videos. They directed and starred in this new Ben Folds video (no word on whether or not they're responsible for Ben's silly new haircut):

You Dont Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor)

As if that wasn't weird and creepy enough for you, Eric went and upped the ante by making a video for hip-hop producer Flying Lotus, whose music has graced many an Adult Swim text bumper. The video begins with a warning about flashing lights and while it does have the seizure-causing potential of a Pokemon discotheque a more important disclaimer might be that you can not unwatch this video after having seen it. It is very NSFW in the worst possible way. It features the kind of freaks Tim and Eric love so much engaging in bad dancing and then bad graphic sex with all the naughty bits covered up with animated naughty bits. Enjoy your weekend!

Directed by Eric Wareheim (Tim & Eric) in association with Warp Records and Warp Films. Music by Flying Lotus. Co Directed/ Animation by Devin Flynn. Co Directed/ Edited by Eric Fensler. More info at dancefloordale.com

Step 1: Take a bunch of "So You Think You Can Dance?" rejects and dress them in half-assed zombie makeup and costumes.

Step 2: Have them wander around Universal Studios, occasionally breaking into a dance routine to Flo Rider. Don't worry about "zombie-ing" up the moves. This ain't the Thiller video.

Step 3: Add Kathie Lee Gifford and the Today Show.

Final Score: Shark 1, Zombies 0

At one point in this episode, Sam, the lovelorn bar owner, tells a buddy of his that he wishes Buffy or Blade would come to town and shove some stakes up some vampire asses. I'm sure the writers thought they were being clever and underlining the fact that this is a different take on the vampire mythos, but all I could think was how much I agreed with Sam. Note to writers: pointing out how different your show is from other, more enjoyable, better done vampire stories is probably not a smart move. It certainly didn't help that, in the episode's second least subtle hint that Sam is some sort of weredog, the 'buddy' Sam is talking to is a border collie.

The show picks up from last week's cliffhanger of Sookie inadvertantly crashing a sexy vampire hissing party at Bill's place. It's a scene straight out of a softcore Skinemax erotic thriller that includes the charming line “Somebody needs to get down on mah johnson.”. Bill almost drinks from a glamour-ized boy toy belonging to one of the vampires but Sookie stops him after psychically learning that the human has Hepatitis D, a disease that affects vampires but not humans. Way to be a buzzkill, Sookie. The vamps head off to find other places to hiss and have kinky sex while Bill stays behind and assures her that he really is a good vampire and he was just acting like a prick so all of the other vampires won't laugh and call him names.

Sookie spends the rest of the show thinking about Bill and touching herself, but stopping before anything interesting happens. Sookie's not that kind of girl. Thankfully for HBO's Department of Boobs and Standards, her slutty co-worker Dawn very much is that kind of girl and she engages in a little icky 'foreplay rape' with Sookie's brother Jason until he's so tortured by the thought of her past tryst with a vampire that he can't get it up any more.

Evidently when you need something in Bon Temps, walking stereotype Lafeyette is the man who's got what you need, whether it's Vicodin, weed or anonymous gay sex for money. He convinces Jason that V-Juice (that's vampire blood for all you squares) is way better than Viagra but when Jason doesn't have the money Lafeyette comes up with a different manner of payment. Nothing too weird. Just videoing Jason dancing while wearing only his tightie whities and what appears to be a Laura Bush mask. Thank you True Blood.

Oh yeah, Sam and Tara totally do it and somebody killed Dawn. Yawn.

The Good
Maybe it's just a testament to how boring the other characters are but once again Jason gets the moment of the night when he begins casually flossing his teeth when Dawn points a gun at him and tells him to get out of her house

The Bad
Stephen Moyer's approach to playing a 173-year-old vampire from the South involves a combination of the Keanu Reeves acting method and never, ever, using contractions.

The Weird
- The episode's number one subtle-as-a-sledgehammer hint that Sam is a dog? He barks in his sleep.

Even if True Blood never becomes the great show viewers were hoping for, the second episode give us some indication that it might be a perfectly watchable and entertaining bad show. I'm even starting to wonder if all of the wooden dialogue and all the bad Louisiana by way of Hollywood accents aren't going for some kind of meta soap opera camp vibe. Maybe we should stop measuring the show against Buffy and start comparing it to Dark Shadows. Hell, maybe even Passions.

After rescuing Sookie from the V-Juice junkie couple from the pilot, Bill the Vampire heals her wounds with the regenerative powers of his blood, a property that most humans don't know about. I guess we're meant to assume that when vampires came out, nobody bothered to do any, you know, scientific tests on them or their blood. Oo-kay, whatever. As Sookie later finds out, not only does vampire blood heal wounds instantly, it also enhances human senses to the point where they can smell a rotting Cheez Nip under the furniture (Cheez Nips rot? Uh-oh, I'll be right back.).

Most of the episode is about Sookie and Bill's big first date, (also attended by Sookie's grandmother, brother and best friend) and the two of them getting to know each other while helpfully filling in the viewers on the "rules" for vampires in the world of the show. For those keeping count, their strength and speed increase as they get older, they have mesmerizing "glamour" powers, and they have to be invited to come inside a house.

We've also got some fall-out to deal with from a few murders. Sookie's brother Jason gets off the hook for Maudette's murder and goes on to have graphic kinky with Sookie's co-worker Dawn while also playing along with Tara's advances. Bill's also got trouble looming because when he killed the junkie couple he tried to make it look like a tornado, apparently unaware that tornadoes "hop" and that these days we have we have something called Doppler that tends to let us know if there are tornadoes around. Nice one Bill.

The episode ends with a few intriguing developments including the possible murder of a prominent anti-vampire religious nut and Sookie finding a nest of not-so-friendly looking vamps (including the one who apparently killed Maudette) hanging out at Bill's house. After two episodes of setting the scene, let's hope there's a little conflict coming next week.

The Good
I'd like to see Jason's role get fleshed out a little more than "hates vampires/loves kinky sex". He's a d-bag, but he could be an entertaining d-bag. I'll give him props for the Patrick Bateman-esque "pointing at himself in the mirror while having sex" scene as well as the Alabama Thunderpussy t-shirt.

The Bad
"I can smell the sunlight on your skin." What?

The Weird
I guess that slow pan and zoom from Sam to the picture of the dog is supposed to hint that he's the dog we saw throughout the episode. Not exactly subtle. They might as well have shown him munching on a doggie biscuit.

Sexykiller
Spain

From the trailer, Sexykiller looks like Sam Raimi and Pedro Almodovar had a baby and let John Waters raise it. The story follows a fashionista medical student who moonlights as a serial killer. Zombies are involved. Looks like a lot of fun.

Chocolate
Thailand

The team that introduced Tony Jaa to the world thinks they've found a new star in JeeJa Yanin and they might just be right. Chocolate's storyline could be be a bit dodgy for Western audiences (an autistic girl becomes a martial arts expert through a lifetime of watching Kung Fu movies) and we're almost guaranteed a few scenes of eye-rollingly over-the-top sentimentality, but hey, nobody watches these films for the plot. JeeJa looks pretty amazing and in the trailer you can see they're going for Jackie Chan-style "does her own stunts and has the scars to prove it" filmmaking.

Acolytes
Australia

After finding a dead body, a trio of Aussie teens suspect their local neighborhood psychopath and attempt to use the body to blackmail him. As it always does, the blackmail backfires and they find themselves caught up in a nightmare come to life.

Sauna
Finland

Taking place on the Finnish-Russian border in the 16th Century, Sauna follows two brothers who are haunted by the spirit of a girl they allowed to die. Taking refuge in a sauna they find it's not so easy to wash some sins away. If nothing else, Sauna certainly looks like it could be a unique and intelligent change from typical horror fare.

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JCVD
Belgium

There's a lot of buzz around JCVD if for no other reason than it stars Jean Claude Van Damme playing a washed up action star named Jean Claude Van Damme who is dealing with tax problems and custody battle for his daughter and returns to his home country of Belgium where he is caught in the middle of a bank heist and has the chance to be a real life action hero. Got that?

Not Quite Hollywood
Australia

Crikey. After watching this trailer I realize I've got a lot of catching up to do on Australian genre movies. Not Quite Hollywood is a documentary covering the "Ozploitation" movies of the 70's and 80's that featured enough sex, violence, horror and action to fill a whole section of a 1980's video store. (Warning: trailer is awesomely NSFW. It also features Quentin Tarantino getting overexcited.)

The Rest

Just a few of the other films you might want to keep an eye out for are The Wresler, Darren Aronofsky's film about an aging wrestler that's already generating a lot of Oscar buzz for Mickey Rourke, Deadgirl, a coming-of-age film about a couple of teens who find a body that may or may not be dead, and Pontypool, the new film from Canadian cult director Bruce McDonald with the very William S. Burroughs-esque premise of a virus that is transmitted through speech.