The Florida Files: Volume 1

I've been thinking about doing this on the site for a while now, and I finally got off my ass today and did a little research. I call this, "The Florida Files". It's sort of like an extension of my "real news" that I do every day, since approximately 1/3rd of the stories I do come from here anyways. So, here's what you've been missing out on.

I moved to South Florida almost a year ago from my hometown of Upstate NY. Within weeks of moving here, I began to wonder if I had slipped through a wormhole somewhere on I-95 while I was driving down here. I moved down here without a job so for the first few days I had plenty of time to watch the local news. Watching the news down here is like watching normal news, only the stories are stupider, scarier, and usually more violent.

So anyways, here's my first smattering of stories. I was considering doing this for the whole state, but a quick search of a local newspaper's website revealed to me that there is currently more than enough material to mine from in this little corner of Southeast, Fl alone. So for now we'll remain in the area. It's also worth noting that all of these stories have ran in the last week or so, which sort of makes the whole thing that much scarier.

Police fished two ATM machines out of the canal at 37th Street and Avenue T, said city spokeswoman Rose Anne Brown.

This has been happening a lot. Some dudes in a pickup truck keep smashing convenience store windows, tying a rope to the ATM, and then attempting to drive away with it. They've been caught on surveillance video multiple times and the cops still can't catch them. They must be busy doing other stuff... but what?

Deputies charged a Port St. Lucie man with exposing himself early this morning after he was discovered naked behind the wheel after he allegedly made an illegal U-Turn, according to Martin sheriff's reports.

Michael Stone, 47, of 75 Camino Del Rio, told deputies he was changing out of wet clothes after visiting the beach, but deputies didn't find any wet clothing in his car in the 12:48 a.m. stop at U.S. 1 and Indian Street.

They did find binoculars, several massaging devices and what was described as a "homemade loin cloth."

Stone told deputies he uses the massagers to "pleasure" himself while at the beach or visiting parks and "not hurting anyone else."

Stone was held in lieu of $750 bail.

Hey, at least he was being honest. This story is also great because U-turns are legal in Florida, so you have to do something really special in order to pull an illegal one.

Heather Kertesz wanted her 21st birthday to be memorable. Instead, it was memorialized on an XXX-rated Web site.

Weeks after the former Lynn University student briefly attended a house party in Boca Raton, she discovered her photo was splashed all over collegewildparties.com.

For all it's faults, I have to say that Florida does have some of the hottest women I've ever seen. Plus, they have tans year round so, I suppose I can't really blame the people behind this site for mining the area for "talent". That said, I can't wait to start showing up in google searches for "collegewildparties.com".

Three Pompano Beach men were charged with attempted murder after deputies say they robbed a Burger King at gunpoint, fired at customers in the parking lot and shot out the windshield of a patrol vehicle pursuing the getaway car.

What would you say that you'd get if you robbed a Burger King, like 200 bucks? Hopefully it was worth a charge of attempting to murder a cop.

A high school football star from southwest Florida is charged with fatally shooting a man during a robbery.

The Manatee County Sheriff's Office said 18-year-old Timothy Brooks is charged in the Sunday night shooting death of 19-year-old William White Junior.

The sheriff's office said Brooks shot White in the neck after robbing him of a necklace during a marijuana deal.

Brooks is a promising quarterback and running back for Lakewood Ranch High School. As a junior last year, he threw for 604 yards and six touchdowns, while rushing for another 631 yards and seven scores.

Football schmootball... who needs a future when you can have an illy sick necklace. Also, as you've probably noticed, the second biggest past time in South Florida besides jacking ATM's is murdering people. It would be our "State Crime" if states had such a thing.

A body found Monday in an intake canal along Kanner Highway has been identified as that of Miguel Chic-Pu, 24, of 4384 S.E. Village Road, south of Stuart.

Martin sheriff's investigators believe Chic-Pu fell in the canal after leaving the scene of a crash where he lost control of a stolen truck and it rolled over along Kanner Highway about 1/2 mile from where he was found.

This story's got it all! A robbery, car chase, car crash, dead body and of course... mystery! Plus, it totally reminds me of "Stand By Me", only without fat little Jerry O'Connel. So in case you're keeping score, that makes it better.

It's important to point out that all of this stuff happened within 10-45 minutes of where I live. I actually live in a nice little area just outside of the city, which is nice, but that doesn't mean that I leave my doors unlocked. And if you're wondering what causes this type of behavior, it's a complex mix of disparity of wealth among the classes, racial tension, atrocious education standards and HEAT. I read a story once that said that the hottest places in the world usually have the worst crime. Hey, you try being cheery in the morning when you have ballsweat straight out of the shower. It's not a fun time.

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