Even as the four horsemen draw near and we shift from a money-based economy to one founded on gladiator-style combat for the pleasure of Tina Turner, trying to stop the holiday season is like trying to stop Black Friday shoppers at a Long Island Wal-Mart. If you've still got some last-minute shopping to do for a little one, may we suggest you give them a gift that's both educational and terrifying, Baby's First Mythos. The alphabet, numbers and the elder gods, all in one book? I think I speak for everyone when I say, it's about time.
If you're not in the spirit already, curl up next to warm computer, pour yourself a steaming mug of cocoa and settle into your stockings for a fine selection of Christmas music, Apocalypse Mixtape style.
Twisted Sister “O Come All Ye Faithful”
Here's a fun fact: Dee Snyder wrote a Christmas song for Celine Dion that she went on to record as a duet with Rosie O'Donnell. Here's another fun fact: out of the three of them, Dee Snyder makes the hottest chick. I'll spare you the horror of Celine and Rosie (I'm not that sadistic) but I will share with you Twisted Sister's take on the holiday classic “O Come All Ye Faithful”. It's amazing that Dee agreed to record this and expose for once and for all where he ripped off the melody of “We're Not Gonna Take It”. For bonus measure the video is even a tribute to every Twisted Sister video ever: the square non-TS fan scoffs at the band until Dee and the boys bust through the wall like the Kool-Ade Man and proceed to terrorize the square with the power of rock until she lets down her hair and is ready to writhe on the hood of David Coverdale's car.
The Dwarves “Drinkin' Up Christmas”
Drunk Santas are a holiday tradition that stretch back to the legend of Fater Lagerklauss, a jolly old souse who would have children waking up in excitement on Christmas morning to see if he had puked in their stockings or even passed out face-down in their fireplaces with his pants around his ankles. When our forebearers came to America from the old country the tradition was preserved not just in “funny-breathed” Santas in every mall but is also celebrated in homes across the country as relatives and loved ones gather together and drink until they either find each other tolerable or tell their family what they really think of them, whichever comes first. This one's on the house, Santa.
The Crypt Keeper “Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie”
Not many people are ascare that the Crypt Keeper, the ghost of HBO's Tales from the Crypt, actually recorded a Cryptmas album. It reached numboo one with a bullet on the Billboard Hearts. Presented here is a choice cut to enjoy whether you're Christmas chopping, deadcorating your house or stuffing a turkey.
Wait- that last one didn't work. Anyway as a special gift to all of you, you can download the album in its entirety here.
I'll leave you with one last Christmas miracle- a post-apocalyptic recitation of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” by none other than good old Hank Garfield (or Henry Rollins as the kids call him). I know I'm not the only who thought all that poem was missing was helicopter and machine gun sound effects. With that I wish a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!
Sorry. Once you start it's hard to stop doing that.