Horror Headlines: Friday, March 16th, 2011

Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day and while I'm not Irish I do love an excuse to get drunk. Really I don't need an excuse but it's always awesome to have one so you don't feel like an alcoholic. I also love any reason to get a Carvel cake. Especially a Cookie O' Puss. Again I don't really need an excuse to eat a entire ice cream cake by myself but it's nice to have one.

The smarty pants folks at Universal have decided to push up the release date for "Oblivion" to April 23rd 2013 from it's original release date of July 10th. The movie stars Tom Cruise as soldier who's court marshaled and shipped off to a deserted planet only to find he isn't alone. I think I'd move to another planet too if I was promised I'd be alone with Tom Cruise. Not for the reason you're thinking, sicko! It's so I can have sex with him.

The only thing worse than beating a dead horse is beating a dead vampire. I don't think that makes any sense. But my point here is that Alcon Entertainment has tapped Brian Dannelly to direct their new vampire comedy "Suckers". I'm not going to bother explaining the plot because you can probably guess it. but Dannelly has directed episodes of "Weeds", "The United States of Tara" and "Pushing Daisies" so it might not be too shabby. But I'm a glass half full kind of guy.

You tell me Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall and Mickey Rourke are going to be in a movie and I listen my friends. The movie is called "Dead In Tombstone" and apparently Trejo comes back from the dead to bring the hammer down on his half brother after being double crossed in a mine robbery. This might be the most perfect movie ever made. Minus Mickey Rourke actually. That guy creeps the hell out of me.

People are going to throw a fit but honestly Lionsgate teaming up with WWE to remake "Leprechaun" might be amazing. There's no script, no cast, and no real other news but what the hell can go wrong. And while we're at it I think Jennifer Aniston is delightful. There, I said it.

In Real People News: 

I have no idea what the rules are when going into prison, thank god, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to smuggle lip balm inside by shoving it up your ass. Honestly this all sounds like someone was just looking to have a cavity search for fun and just shoved the first thing he found up there.

Let this be a lesson to your kids out there. If you lie about having cancer and raise money for your treatment the state of Virginia will come down on your hate. Like 100$ fine hard. So you know. Maybe consider not doing it.

Trailers: Check out Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get your hate machine's running! It's time to comment on the trailer for Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows"!

It's creepy and it's kooky, and all together spooky, it's A..."Dark Shadows" movie. Not what I was expecting from the project at all. But I must admit; I kind of like this trailer. It could be entertaining, but if Tim Burton thinks this is the essence of the original show... he's high.

Oh yah, I'm biased; I love me some Helena Bonham Carter and I think she looks great in orange. I'm just going to get that out of the way here and now.

5 Euro Femmes Fantastic

I don’t know about you but the pages of “Men’s Magazines” have always seemed a paltry tease to me. Too often they feature interchangeable nymphettes with immaculate, post-orthodonture smiles, jelly cutlets in their brassieres and misted bronze flesh that bounces light like a forgotten hotdog rolling into oblivion on a carnival cooker. To be frank, I want my objectification to be more objective.

Reckoning the Number of the Beast - The 30th Anniversary Final

What a week it's been. The hours that have been invested in this project are numerous, that is to be sure. Certainly though, "The Number of the Beast" is an album that must be treated with sufficient respect and grandeur. As we have discussed and reminisced all week, "The Number of the Beast" means more to heavy metal and the history of the genre than nearly all other albums before or since. It is a symbol of all we as metal fans hold dear, and a true testament to the staying power and virility of heavy metal that is perfectly executed.

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