Horror Headlines: Friday, May 4th, 2011

May the Fourth be with you everybody!

The good folks at Universal have taken it upon themselves to push there new exorcism film "The Seventh Son" back a good 8 months to October 18, 2013. The film stars Jeff Bridges and Julianne Moore so you have to imagine it's not too shabby but as of yet there's no word as to why the delay is happening. Let's start an insane rumor though, like Jeff Bridges demands the blood of virgins to do any work and they're running out of them in Hollywood.

Jennifer Lynch, the creepy gal behind "Boxing Helena" and other flicks has had her new film "Chained" slapped with a NC-17 rating. The film follows a 9 year old boy who is kidnapped and as he grows learns he must follow in his kidnappers footsteps to survive. Kind of like "The Lion King" but with people getting their faces bashed in.

Amber Heard has been confirmed for the cast of "Machete Kills" and I used up my stupid comments on her earlier this week so she gets a pass today. What can I say, I'm a giver.

Warner Bros. has dropped the news that they will in fact be resurrecting "Little shop Of Horrors" once again and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is very much interested in taking on the lead role. My guess is there won't be any singing in this version but who knows. I love that damn dentist song Steve Martin does.

In Real People News: 

A Humane Society employee in Florida (yeah no shit) is under arrest after he was found in possession of child pornography and a video of him getting it on with a dog. Isn't that some sort of physiological test? Picking which one you think is worse determines what kind of job you'll have later in life or something? I could have sworn I remember my guidance counselor asking me that in High School.

A 30 year old mother in Iowa is under arrest after she shot up heroin in the bathroom of a pharmacy while her 4 year old child was present. The import thing to note here is that in Iowa there are bathrooms in pharmacies that just anyone can use. I'd shoot up heroin too if I didn't have to give a stool sample just to take a piss in a Duane Reade in the city.

Trailers: "Iron Sky" has iPad using Moon-Nazi's

Oh Joy. Your Connoisseur of Crap is bringing you ANOTHER earth invasion movie. The invaders are ruthless, fearless, hell bent on claiming Earth as their own and....

They're German Nazis?

Those wacky Germans!!!! They were so ticked off after losing WWII, they used their super secret space technology and established a colony on the moon!! Except they can't get back! Until the US re-visits the moon in 2018. With an iPad. That has the technology they need to return and TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE BAD??????? IT'S MOON NAZIS!!!!

Album Review: Unleashed - Odalheim

Certain styles of music seem incompatible with long careers. Death metal is high on that list, with the focus on brutality and shredded vocal chords standing at odds with the rigors of aging. If it's true that people tend to mellow with age, it would stand to reason that death metal would not be populated by elder statesmen. Yet it seems to be that conventional wisdom, once again, is wrong. Death metal finds itself seeped in figures from the early days still cranking out new music.

Horror Headlines: Thursday, May 3rd, 2011

"We Are What We Are", the remake of a Mexican cannibal family flick, has added none other than Riley Keough to the cast. You might know her better as Elvis Presley's granddaughter. She's also been in a bunch of other movies and is apparently a model. But she'll aways be Elvis Presley's granddaughter that I found out existed 5 minutes ago to me.

Lionsgate has announced they hope to bring a new web series titled "Soul Survivor" to a laptop near you in the not too distant future. The series will focus an last of his kind mercenary who will be voiced by none other than Sylvester Stallone. Sounds kind of weird yes but remember when they made a Rambo cartoon? That was a lot weirder.

The sassy new Aussie flick "Crawl", which will premiere at Cannes, has been given an October release date for selected cities and VOD. The film tells the story of a bar owner who hires a Croatian hitman to murder someone only to have it backfire in his face. I assume there's also a lot of Bloomin Onions involved. Mother of god those things are good.

A handful of new names have been added to the cast list of "Beginning Of the End: The Last Exorcism 2" but honestly no one has ever heard of them so it's kind of silly to list them. So what are your plans for the weekend? Celebrating the Kentucky Derby or Cinco De Mayo? I know you could try doing a joint party but I kind of feel like you need to pick a side. Stand for something in your life god damn it! Kevin Perez, Boyana Balta, Sharice A. Williams and Gideon Hodge are the names.

In Real People News: 

A 19 year old in Pensylvania tried the old "it's not a big deal" excuse with the local cops after he posted pictures of his penis on his girlfriend's website. They didn't buy that excuse. Just an FYI.

A youngster in Florida is in hot water after he was caught on camera robbing an elderly woman at a local mall. How did he get caught? His parents ratted him out. Freakin Florida man. They have no code there.

Snapshot: "Chernobyl Diaries" (2012)

Oren Peli, creator of the "Paranormal Activity" super franchise, has written and produced yet another supernatural thriller due out later this month and from the looks of the trailers, it looks promising. Set in a found footage format, the film follows a group of six young tourists who, looking to go off the beaten path, hire an "extreme tour" guide. Ignoring warnings, he takes them into the city of Pripyat, the former home to the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor, but a deserted town since the disaster more than 25 years ago.

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