Horror Headlines: Tuesday January 28th, 2014

Just to be clear, I have plans tonight and I'll probably get a little tipsy so the chances of you seeing three days in a row of news from me are slim to none.

The wait is over my friends, Troma's "Return to Nuke Em High" will finally hit DVD and Blu-Ray on March 18th. Lloyd Kaufman takes to the director chair again for this sequel to the beloved 1986 classic "Class of Nuke 'Em High". The disc will be chock full of commentary tracks, behind the scene features and all kinds of other magic. You like magic don't you? What kind of jackass doesn't like movie magic?

The other day I was clicking around the old boob tube and stumbled upon something called "Lizzie Borden Took An Ax" which turned out to be a new film staring Christina Ricci as the infamous parent killing ax wielding nut bag. I immediately though "Hey is this Lifetime? Wow I'm not going to watch this! Hey let's not watch that." Then I moved on. Now I read that the flick is being released on DVD this coming April 8th. So just in case you don't have Lifetime but still want to enjoy a movie that was made for Lifetime... ya know this might be important news.

Who doesn't want to see Jennifer Lopez lose her mind and go on a killing spree? No one I want to be friends with that's who! The film is called "Lila And Eve" and it's just been picked up by A+E Networks for an early 2015 release. The project also stars Viola Davis who along with Lopez goes on a killing spree of the local bad guys after their children are murdered. So ya know... I guess it's not that sexy of a movie after all.

Content Films have picked up "The Heist", a new film about a group of robbers who plan to hit a bank that just so happens to be built on top of another bank that just so happens to be haunted by a group of robbers who tried to rob the original bank. Confused? It just so happens to be a slow day and this just so happens to be the best I have right now. I swear I'll stop writing the news again.

In Real People News: 

Here's a guy in Philly who's been arrested for approaching woman and asking them to please him with Swiss cheese. The whole thing is ridiculous. Everyone knows Philly is a cheese wiz kind of town. Know your market buddy.

Oh brothers. They always got each other's back. That is of course until you're drunk watching football and your brother takes the last can of Pepsi. That apparently is when brothers lose their shit and stab each other. God I miss New Jersey.

Album Review: Sister - Disguised Vultures

Music can be described using any number of words, but most of them aren't especially adept at painting a picture to represent the sound. When we call music beautiful, for instance, it can mean wildly different things, depending on who is doing the talking. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say. Good and bad, heavy and light, none of these descriptions are able to convey the essence of a type of music to someone who has yet to hear it.

Horror Icon Mini-Marathon: SAM RAIMI

Some directors make low-budget horror films because they love the excitement, the transgression, and the lack of boundaries that are inherent in working with such an unregulated arena; some directors make low-budget features in the hope of creating a calling card for their skill and work their way up into big-budget, mainstream filmmaking. And there are those rare occasions when someone works in low-budget horror, gains the notoriety and mainstream success, and comes back to low-budget horror simply because they still love it. Sam Raimi is one of those rare occasions.

Horror Headlines: Monday January 27th, 2014

I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been two months since I wrote the news last. I am going to pretend that you've been very upset about it though and sent me dozens upon dozens of emails asking me why I've abandoned you. I am however going to pretend that there's some kid sitting in his bedroom right now reading this, crying his eyes out because the head cheerleader doesn't even know he exists, thinking that maybe things will be OK after all because Joe is writing the news again.

I love TV shows with a solid will they/won't they theme, even when it's based around a mother and son relationship like "Bates Motel". What can I say I'm a sucker for love. So I'm giddy with delight to find new info on the second season of the show which hits A&E on March 3rd. I mean as giddy as you can get when you realize the plot for season two is really just a continuation of season one, Norman continues to lose his crap, his mother tries to cover up some murder type things, a cop starts to catch on and blah blah blah the brother sells drugs or something. You've missed this kind of hot late breaking news haven't you?

I could have sworn Kevin Smith retired 12 years ago but he keeps putting crap out so I'm assuming it's like a Jay-Z type retirement where you announce it to get some attention and then just keep on doing the same crap you've always done. Case in point. "Comes the Krampus!", a new holiday anthology flick he just finished the screenplay for that focuses on everyone's favorite Scandinavian Christmas time monster that eats kids instead of bringing them presents. No real word on next steps for the project but it's planned for a holiday release sometime in the next 10 years.

"Terminator: Genesis", the upcoming "The Terminator" reboot, has apparently lost itself a financial backer. Megan Ellison and her Annapurna Pictures has apparently decided to back out of the project leaving Skydance Productions, which happens to be her brother's production company, to cover the tab. So this really means nothing at all to you and I. The movie is still being made, Arnold Schwarzenegger is still coming back and we're still over a year away from its release. Seriously, how did you survive without this kind of daily coverage to fill your life for the past two months?

ABC has green lit the pilot for "The Visitors", a new series based on a Ray Bradbury short story titled "Zero Hour". In the story the fine people of earth try to fend off an alien attack where the little green men use our own children against us. Seems completely plausible. The other day my 2 year old hit me in the crotch with a Doc McStuffins doll so hard I blacked out for 15 seconds. I can only assume she was being controlled by aliens.

In Real People News: 

How many times have we heard this story my friends? A woman accused another woman of hitting her with a hog stomach and someone ends up getting stabbed in the beck with a pair of scissors. Once, I can really only thing of one time I've heard this story. That one time is just a few seconds ago to be clear.

Let this be a lesson to all the young men out there. When making love to your best gal on the school bus, if she happens to queef during said love making on the school bus do not laugh at her. Because she will elbow you in the balls and you will get in trouble and you will end up on the news. This has been your daily romance advice from Joe. On a side note spell check has no idea what a "queef" is.

Album Review: The Reverend Horton Heat - "Rev"

Yeehaw! Rockabilly is alive and well and now available on Victory Records. I was thrilled to find the latest release from The Reverend Horton Heat in my inbox for this week's review. In full disclosure I am, and have been, a big fan of the Reverend and his take on the rockabilly genre. The man has been at it since 1985 and his newest release "Rev" is proof positive that he's still going strong.

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